Men in Tights, Women in Bullet-Proof Bras

Superhero films drive men into tights
German police women slip into Action Brassieres

Inebriated Press
August 7, 2008

The UK Daily Mail reported Monday that some of the world’s biggest lingerie manufacturers have started making tights for men because superhero films with tough guys like Superman wearing tights, is driving up demand. And the UK Telegraph reported Monday that bullet resistant bras have been developed for German police women, giving them complete undercover protection. Some pundits say men are getting too feminine and women too masculine.

“Men should stay in denim jeans and women should stay in satin bras, that’s the way nature intended and there’s no point arguing about it,” said Matron Mabel-Hornblower, a buxom old thing with a weakness for hard men and soft women, occasionally at the same time. “The day that old Bob starts leaping tall buildings in a single bound is the day I let him put on tights. Until then he jumps me in denim and sticks with cotton boxers.”

Not everyone sees it the way Mabel-Hornblower does. “We’re living in the future now and it’s a transgender transsexual world with transparent politicians and see-through underwear. We can’t live in the past. It’s time to cast off old-fashioned ideas and get with the program,” said Bobby Andy Sioux, a big breasted native-American-Norwegian man-whore, whose original sex and nationality is still under debate at the United Nations. “In today’s America every person is free to be anything and everything that we want to be. If tights and bullet-proof bras are your thing, you wear them. If silicon enhancements, latex prophylactics and AK-47′s are your things, then you have them. It’s time to protect all people from persecution and let them be free. It’s time to protect all animals from corporate farming and greed and let them be free. It’s time to let teachers and school aged children have sex and be free. It’s time to let all beings have maximum personal freedom — except of course the old, the sick and the unborn. Screw them, they can’t do shit anyway.”

The Daily Mail reported that for a thousand years, tights reigned supreme as the ‘must-have’ leg wear for every fashion-conscious man. Now – over 500 years after they fell out of favor – tights for men are experiencing a remarkable fashion resurgence. Some of the world’s biggest lingerie manufacturers have started making them, and UK stockists claim they are selling out faster than they can re-supply. Reportedly the increase in number of tights-wearing movie superheroes has generated the increase in men wanting to wear tights and be like Superman.

The Daily Mail said the tights, ranging from ultra sheer, eight denier to thick, black ones, are designed to be worn under above-the-knee shorts. This lets the wearer benefit from their warmth and show off sleeker-looking legs. Kieran Hughes, director of tights stockists Precious Collections, said they are selling more than 1,000 pairs a month. He said: ‘”German men have been wearing them for years. More than 50 per cent of German men wear tights, including famous football players.” But Natalie Theo, the Daily Mail’s fashion editor, said: “The whole concept is absolutely ridiculous. It’s metrosexuality gone stark raving mad.”

The Telegraph reported that German police women are to be issued with bullet-resistant bras to give them complete undercover protection. The new underwear was developed as a second barrier of defense after normal bras were found to cause injuries while on duty. The officers’ bullet-proof vests, while stopping the force of gunshots in an attack, pushed the plastic and metal parts of their underwear into their flesh, causing injury. Carmen Kibat, a policewoman in Hamburg who tested the new underwear, said: “These can save someone’s life so it’s not a laughing matter.” She organized “Action Brassiere” across Germany, getting hundreds of policewomen to try the bras out in the line of duty.

The Telegraph said the bras are all emblazoned with the word “police” and are made from cotton, polyester, elastic and some other synthetic materials, thickly padded and have no metal or plastic studs or fasteners. Three thousand front-line women police officers will now be required to wear the bras on duty. Their bosses have decided to allow them to have three each. Some people say it’s high time that breasts are properly protected and not left exposed to the elements.

“Some women spend a lot of money enhancing the size of their breasts and you don’t want them unprotected and have a bullet graze them and have blood or silicon leak out. It’s crazy that we’ve been allowing women to take those kinds of risks,” said Zippidy Do-Dah, the owner of a new Texas strip club that requires women to keep their breasts covered and protected during stripping and only remove clothes completely below their waist. “Legs, knees and thighs have always been more resilient than breasts and if you ask a stripper what part of their body most often gets injured most during a busy night, they’ll tell you it’s their boobs. Either they whack them on a pole or some guy grabs them too hard. Well my place is taking its queue from the Germans. We’re protecting our girls’ jugs. If bullet proof bras are what the Germans want, and they conquered half of Europe on their own before a whole host of nations got them stopped, then they’re good enough for my joint. So help me god.”

Among other items claiming to be news, someone said Flaming Magazine reports that nine out of ten transgendered bullet-proof-bra wearing voters support Barack Obama for president. Reportedly they dig his inability to be pinned down on any topic and the fact that he claims to be all things to all people while remaining nothing definitive to anyone. “He’s our kind of man,” said Susie Tom Jones, lifting a dumbbell with one nipple. “If he really is one. The jury is still out you know. It always will be. That’s what we like best about him.” No word on whether the Hindu monkey god he carries in his pocket turns them on too.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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