Experts say Morons and Assholes Now Rule World

Pirates, Bail-outs and Suicide Bombers:
   Somali pirates hold hijacked cargo vessel
   Obama and McCain speed bailout vote on Hill
   Bombs near Shiite mosques in Baghdad kill 24

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
October 3, 2008

Leading experts in all fields say that morons and assholes now have more influence on world events and your personal life, than ever before.  The Christian Science Monitor reported yesterday that a battle of nerves was continuing off the coast of Somalia, as the US and Russia turned up the heat on a group of Somali pirates aboard a hijacked cargo vessel. USA Today reported yesterday that Democrat Barack Obama and Republican John McCain returned to a somber capital Wednesday and pushed an economic recovery plan through Congress. Meanwhile it was same-old same-old in Baghdad, where Associated Press reported yesterday that compassionate suicide bombers targeted Shiite worshippers as they left morning prayers Thursday at two Baghdad mosques, killing 24 people and wounding more than 50 others. Some pundits say common sense is no longer common and morons rule.

Even kittens are going bad.

Even kittens are going bad.

“People with respect for common sense and common decency have fallen out of public interest in all fields and the majority of influential individuals are now all low-life prick scumbags who don’t give a shit about your family or traditional values,” said Inebriated reporter Nasal Virus, nursing a bad head cold and a quart of Jack Daniels.  “At least that’s what all the measurable data says on my hand held programmable PDA, and it always knows more than I do.  Looks like we’re all screwed.  I guess I’ll stop caring, nobody else seems to.”

Not everyone agrees with, or is giving up like, the Inebriated’s Virus.  “The silent majority is still out there and while they’re frustrated with the lack of logic and ungodly attitude being displayed by growing numbers of people, including the major media, Hollywood, government bureaucrats and the Public School System; they’re not ready to give up and quit working and trying to build a civil society,” said Emily Armstrong-Leglift, a hostage crisis negotiator, who spends an inordinate amount of time counseling Diet Coke drinkers.  “In the end they’re going to rise up and give common sense a try by voting for McCain-Palin, hoping that they really will do what Palin did in Alaska, and break up the old-boy network in DC, root out corruption and make Big Oil respect America and pay their fair share.  I know you can’t believe that based on the way major media and bureaucrats are tearing them down because they don’t share their normal values, but I think normal values will win out over shinny teeth, meaningless words and an empty suit backed by old style Chicago politics.  I guess we’ll see.”

The Christian Science Monitor reported several US warships kept their vigil and blockade of the Ukrainian cargo ship MV Faina. A Russian missile frigate steamed toward Somalia to add its muscle to the standoff. And on Wednesday, the Somali government authorized foreign use of force against the pirates. An Inebriated reporter said the Obama campaign issued a statement saying everyone was at fault and that if the US provided housing and welfare through the UN to Somalian pirates the problems would go away.  Someone claiming to the Inebriated reporter that he was a spokesman for the McCain camp, suggested the ship be destroyed and that we “let god sort them out.”

USA Today reported that McCain and Obama arrived in the Senate chamber two days after the House rejected the $700 billion bailout proposal in a historic vote that sent markets tumbling around the world and prompted renewed calls for action. USA Today did not report why the Senate then leapt at the chance to pass the massive bailout bill that contains more pork than the version the House voted down. According to an analyst who refused to be identified, the Senate believes that if the bill contains more gifts for a larger group of Americans, everyone will like the bill better.  The unidentified individual said that the Senate had suspended the notion that debt was bad and decided that a bigger party was needed to make taxpayers feel better.

Associated Press reported that in keeping with the century’s old tradition of blowing up people some Muslim’s disagree with, that 24 Shiite worshippers leaving a mosque in Baghdad were blown to death and 50 injured.  Among the dead were two children, three women and a man, police in Diyala province said. Another woman and her small child were injured. Muslim terrorists backed by the small country of Iran said that indiscriminate murder is a long standing and accepted approach to solving disagreements, and encouraged more of the same throughout the world, with particular encouragement for those in Western democracies polluted by respect and tolerance.  Some people say that traditional terror is better than traditional compassion.

“You can’t get along in a world based on loving others and following the Golden Rule of doing to others as you’d have them do to you; the real power is Darwinism not god.  You’ve got to take what you can get in whatever way you can get it, be that hijacking a Ukrainian ship, ripping off the federal government in a big cash bailout because you’re just too big to go out of business, or simply by blowing up folks you disagree with,” said Junior Mint, a refreshing viewpoint on breath and down and dirty living.  “Have at it I say.  It’s all just so much mayhem anyway.  Just like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wants.  He’s the man of the century.  Just wait and see.  He’ll rule the world eventually.”

In related news on flailing common sense and the continuing decline of reason, Reuters reported yesterday that Rosie O’Donnell is returning to television as host of a live variety show on NBC. The network will air “Rosie’s Variety Show” as an hour-long special the night before Thanksgiving, with an eye toward expansion to a full series. Reportedly Rosie’s belief that the US bombed the buildings in New York on 9-11 resonates with the NBC elite, and they feel that putting Rosie in a position to promote her views is the thing to do. 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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