Monthly Archives: June 2007

The James and Barry Bond Connection

It’s about secrets, success and not getting caught

Inebriated Press
June 29, 2007

Barry Bonds’ has hit 749 home runs and it’s likely that he’ll soon break Hank Aaron’s 755 home run record.  This is truly a historic event despite being surrounded by claims that he’s only successful because he cheats.  It’s the same complaint heard about another Bond — that’s right, James Bond 007.

Bond pundits say that the baseball player has a trainer who slips him steroids or injects him with human growth hormones and that he should not be celebrated even though he’s never been caught or found guilty.  Many of these same whiners complain that James Bond shouldn’t be celebrated because he wins only because Q is loading him with watches emitting magnetic rays and Austin Healey’s with ejector seats.

Then there are those who claim that Barry is virtually a different guy today than years ago.  They say he isn’t the same size or that he doesn’t look like he did when he started playing ball.  These same types say that James isn’t even the same actor that played him when he first walked onto movie screens; and that his hair has changed colors and so has is accent. 

But what’s really going on here?  The reality is that the Bonds are hated because they are successful, don’t get caught and use slight of hand to keep their opponents off guard. 

And that’s the truth.  If you don’t believe me ask Pussy Galore.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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DNA Transplant Makes Artificial Life Possible

Inebriated Press
June 29, 2007

Controversial biologist Craig Venter who led the effort to map the human genome is nearer his goal of creating viable artificial life.  A ground breaking experiment which substituted one species DNA for another has in effect turned that species into a different one.  Or as sex change advocate and participant Lulu Morgan said, “I’m not him anymore.”

Dr. Venter has long been searching for ways to make artificial organisms, with a view toward creating new species of bacteria that can produce environmentally friendly fuels like hydrogen.  His early experiments lead to the creation of Dennis Rodman and Rosie O’Donnell.  Critics say these two are not environmentally friendly at all and many question the ethics behind such experimentation.

During the DNA swap the Venter team took two simple germ cells with a single chromosome and striped its proteins to see if they could “reboot” a foreign cell.  Some of them worked, some did nothing and some advocated Paris Hilton’s early release from jail.

Venter was pleased with the results overall.  “Viable synthetic genomics still remains to be proven and Rodman’s quick divorce from Jennifer Lopez means that the science is still pretty weak.  But we know from the O’Donnell result that real-artificial life is actually possible.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Of Mice and Men; Human and Mouse Cells Similar

Inebriated Press
June 28, 2007

Two British research groups have discovered stem cells in mice that are almost identical to humans.  Scientists think that this will make it easier to harness cells’ healing power and also make people cuter and fuzzier.

“It makes perfect sense,” said Mickey Mouse.  “I’ve told Pluto I was more like Disney than he was for years.”

The study was published in “Nature” magazine and described the discovery as the “missing link” between animals and humans and said that it may revolutionize medicine.

Scientists have experimented using mice for a long time but have tended to lean toward monkeys when searching for the “missing link.”  The new revelation that men were mice has sent tremors’ through the monkey community.

“Its bull shit,” said Curious George.  “There’s no way mice are closer to men than monkeys.  If that were true the Man in The Yellow Hat would have told me.”

Said Brain, the mouse of TV’s Pinky and The Brain: “At last, the connection I need to realize my ambition: try to take over the world!”

© 2007 Inebriated Press  

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China Says Poisoned Food is Safe

U.S. wants to import Chinese chicken

Inebriated Press

June 28, 2007

 

China insisted today that its exports are safe and that it “paid great attention” to food products in particular.  “You could say we guarantee the quality of our exports,” said Wang Xinpei, Commerce Ministry spokesman. 

Reportedly the quality of the melamine contained in grain products that went into pet food and killed hundreds US animals was of good quality.  The problem was that melamine is poisonous and not supposed to be in food.  Melamine artificially increases protein readings in food tests and results in higher prices for products.  But profit wasn’t the reason melamine was in the grain according to Xyz Shijang.

 

“I’m not sure why we put it in there.  Coincidence I guess,” said Shijang.

 

U.S. authorities have also turned away or recalled toxic fish, juice containing unsafe color additives and popular toy trains decorated with lead paint.

 

These minor concerns aside, the United States Department of Agriculture has proposed to allow the sale of Chinese chicken in the United States.  US Ag officials say that they would review records and conduct on-site visits to assure Americans that the chicken is safe.

 

Chinese-made toothpaste also has been banned by numerous countries in North and South America and Asia for containing diethylene glycol, or DEG, a chemical often found in antifreeze. It is also a low-cost — and sometimes deadly — substitute for glycerin, a sweetener in many drugs.  Recently it was found in US hospitals.

 

“My cat’s dead, my cousin in the hospital is now sicker because of Chinese toothpaste and I’m supposed to think a visit to a chicken farm will make my Chinese chicken meal okay?” asked Susie Q, a local food consumer.  “I’m not a member of Mensa but I don’t think this makes any sense at all.”

 

Said Xyz Shijang: “Don’t worry.  Be happy!  And make reservations now for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.  We’re going to kick your ass you whiners!”

  

© 2007 Inebriated Press  

http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=Rht3Q5pV-rQ

 

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Unhappy Arabs Burn Gas Stations to Protest Lack of Gas

Normally calm Iranians turn crabby

Inebriated Press
June 27, 2007

Iran abruptly enforced fuel rationing on Wednesday sparking normally calm and collected Arabs to destroy gas stations throughout Tehran.  Some merely grumbled and got in line to buy gas from stations not ablaze. 

Iran is the second-biggest exporter in OPEC and many Iranians were puzzled by the lack of fuel in their own country.  This encouraged the logical decision to light things on fire.  “It seemed the thing to do,” said bystander Ahmad Al-O’Brien. 

Reacting with usual grace President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that folks should just calm down and go back to planning Jihad against Israel and the West.  “Let’s use this moment to promote the development of nuclear reactors necessary for energy and stay focused on our peaceful plans for world domination,” said Ahmadinejad.  “These protests merely take away from our daily efforts to maintain the peaceful uprisings in Iraq and may interrupt the funding of freedom oriented terrorism in Lebanon.”

Long considered one of the more diplomatic and loving leaders in the Middle East Ahmadinejad has sought more modernization through nuclear technology while maintaining traditional industries like human trafficking.  According to the CIA’s World Factbook, Iran is a source, transit, and destination country for women and girls trafficked for the purposes of sexual exploitation and involuntary servitude.

Said Ahmadinejad “Whats a little fuel rationing when the outlook for Iranian power is so bright?”

Said garbage hauler Ali-LuAnn, “Can I borrow a match?”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

 

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When is the Vice President not the Vice President?

Or – when is an Executive Office not an Executive Office?

Inebriated Press
June 27, 2007

U.S. Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney has declared that the Office of Vice President of the United States is not an Executive Office and is therefore not subject to national security disclosure requirements.  President George W. Bush agreed and told him to keep his secrets to himself.  In responding to critics who say he needs to turn over information about national security Cheney said, “Let me alone my stuff doesn’t count.”  Democrats decided to play along by proposing to eliminate funding for the Office of Vice President.

Rep. Rahm Emanuel, D-Ill. has sponsored an amendment to the annual spending bill that will de-fund the “non-executive office” of Vice President.  In doing so he noted that five years ago Cheney claimed executive privilege when he refused to release details about meetings with oil industry executives where they discussed energy policy.  Said the Representative, “Now when we want to know what his executive office is doing as it relates to America’s national security, he says he’s a member of the legislative branch.  If he can’t figure out what his office does why should I?  Let’s cut funding and at least we’ll save some money.”

Cheney is known to have heart problems leading some legislators to call him “heartless.”  He reinforced that impression in recent years by shooting a hunting companion in the face.  “I thought he was a bird,” Cheney reportedly said.

When questioned by media about his apparent confusion between offices, birds and friends Cheney reportedly stood beside a small fern and said, “I’m a plant. Who are you talking to?”

Insiders at the Depart of Justice (DOJ) say that the impeachable action’s of Nixon when President is starting to look pretty good and if he weren’t dead, he might be considering a comeback.  “Nixon’s guys broke into offices,” said a DOJ official.  “They at least knew what they were.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Brave New Battleground: Google Versus Microsoft

Inebriated Press
June 26, 2007

On Monday Google requested permission to file a friend-of-the-court brief so they could intervene in Microsoft’s antitrust settlement regarding Windows.  On Tuesday a federal judge said she’s not likely to allow it even though it’s often difficult to find friends.  

Typing her ruling on a Mac with Linux OS while searching the web using Firefox, U.S. District Court Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly wrote that it’s up to the US Department of Agriculture to decide what to do and that she enjoys both Google and Microsoft.  Despite Google’s complaint that Microsoft was using Vista’s “Instant Search” on the desktop in coercive competition with Google’s voluntary program, the Judge said that her Microsoft shares were down and that she had bought Google too late to benefit enough from any decision favoring Google.  She then chuckled and said “only kidding.”

Bill Gates was satisfied with the direction the Judge was leaning and said, “I’m a friend of this court already.  Let’s not let too many folks mix in.”

In 2000 a federal judge ruled that Microsoft had violated federal antitrust law and ruled that the Microsoft Corporation should be broken up.  In 2002 negotiations were undertaken and concluded with Microsoft agreeing to a settlement instead ($50 and a bag of M&M’s to any individual who can prove that Bill Gates personally bit their ankle).  Google reminded the janitor-of-the-court that this ruling should be again considered but with Skittles instead of M&M’s.

At this time the court appears to favor $25 and Trail Mix.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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