Daily Archives: June 21, 2007

McDonald’s Introduces New Trans-fat Free Fries

Inebriated Press
June 21, 2007

In a burst of trade and health related news McDonalds Corporation announced today that they are switching to all-trans-fat-free Chinese cooking oil for their french-fry production.

In a watershed deal with China, McDonald’s will import Chinese trans-fat free cooking oil made from asbestos and used oil from heavy construction equipment.  This “special blend” as it is called, is healthier because its free of trans-fats and has an important environmental benefit:  it will reduce the contamination of China’s land fills.

“This is truly a watershed moment in the fast food industry,” gurgled McDonald CEO XYZ.  “I’ll bet no one saw this coming!”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Mad Cows Terrorize London

Inebriated Press
June 21, 2007

In a bizarre twist on the Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy saga (also known as BSE or “Mad Cow” disease) bovines angered by dairy farmers with chapped hands marched on London to protest ham handed scratchiness.  After several messy hours of negotiation the cows eventually calmed and the city returned to normal. 

Chaffed and dismayed, the group of 47 Holsteins crossed London and met Defra officials (Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs).  Local cow language interpreter Angus Jersey was called in and talked with the Holsteins on behalf of Defra.  After several hours of discussion the cows returned to their paddocks having receiving promises that Defra would investigate the “ill treatment of cow mammary.”  Reportedly the cows defecated here and there along a meandering path across the city.

Said an unnamed Defra official, “shit this is a mess.”

“You should be on this side,” a Holstein reportedly rebutted.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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