Daily Archives: June 22, 2007

North Korea to Disable Nuclear Reactor

Inebriated Press
June 22, 2007

US envoy Christopher Hill says North Korea is ready to “disable” its Yongbyon nuclear reactor with few demands.

Returning from a surprise visit to Pyongyang during which Mr Hill leapt from a large cake at a party for North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il, Hill said he was optimistic that the six-party agreement was as sound as Jong-il’s mind and was better looking too.

“We only promised Jong-il $800 billion in cash plus a lifetime supply of gummy worms,” said a smiling Hill.  “We were able to negotiate him out of his earlier demand for $800 billion in cash plus a green tube top and 5 pairs of Levi’s.  I am confident that this will result in the complete denuclearization of North Korea.”

In 2006 North Korea held its first nuclear test and has proven its ability to crash missiles into the sea.  The growing crisis led North Korea to expel UN nuclear inspectors and ultimately brought about the tough negotiations. 

Jong-il was unavailable to comment on the agreement at press time, since reruns of Mr. Ed were running and his tape machine was broken.

For decades North Korea has been one of the world’s most secretive societies and Jong-il has been considered a nut case outside his country.  Inside North Korea his countrymen consider him a great hero and wonderful patron who only starves them part of the time and then usually only on specific holidays.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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“More of the Same” Talk Helps Candidate

Inebriated Press
June 22, 2007

In a break with traditional “time for a change” politics, presidential candidate Felix Deepli (Independent) announced a “more of the same” campaign platform.  ABC-CBS-FOX-NBC polls all showed Deepli’s approval rating moving decidedly higher. 

“It’s time we recognize election uncertainty for what it is,” said Deepli at a media conference in New York yesterday.  “How many candidates have you heard tell you that they’ll change things for the better; only to change them for their betterment and not yours?  Well enough of that.”

Deepli presented a platform that mirrored current government trends – higher taxes on the middle class, continued uncertainty over Iraq, bigger government, expansion of welfare, wage increases for Congress and mixed policy on the environment.  In addition, he pressed policy initiatives designed to support low unemployment, continued growth in the stock market, more support for technology and biofuels.   He said that the biggest benefit of his election is consistency.

“Why take a chance on what Hillary, Giuliani or the others might do?  I promise you more of what’s been going on.  And sure it’s not all good, but you’re familiar with it.  And what you’re familiar with you can be comfortable with.  Besides, we’ve got plenty of welfare for the poor and a good stock market and a decent employment rate.  Okay the Iraq thing is a problem, but if we all get frustrated enough we’ll just pull out our troops and drop the ‘big one.’  Then Iraq is just one big radio-active hole.  But hey, that would be a change and that’s not really what I’m about,” said Deepli.

Political pundits were uncertain of what to make of the Deepli platform.  “I’ve never seen anything like it and I’m confused,” said Janice Woblenobber, Director of the Policy for Change Institute.  “This smacks of political honesty that I don’t think America is ready for.”

“It’s just more rhetoric,” said competing candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton.  “To think that the US wants to look at this guy for four years instead of me is to mistake the power inherent in Democratic politics.  Not to mention that I’m blonder than he is.”

Rudy Giuliani was only slightly more charitable.  “I like his mustache,” he said.  That’s about it.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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