June 22, 2007
In a break with traditional “time for a change” politics, presidential candidate Felix Deepli (Independent) announced a “more of the same” campaign platform. ABC-CBS-FOX-NBC polls all showed Deepli’s approval rating moving decidedly higher.
“It’s time we recognize election uncertainty for what it is,” said Deepli at a media conference in New York yesterday. “How many candidates have you heard tell you that they’ll change things for the better; only to change them for their betterment and not yours? Well enough of that.”
Deepli presented a platform that mirrored current government trends – higher taxes on the middle class, continued uncertainty over Iraq, bigger government, expansion of welfare, wage increases for Congress and mixed policy on the environment. In addition, he pressed policy initiatives designed to support low unemployment, continued growth in the stock market, more support for technology and biofuels. He said that the biggest benefit of his election is consistency.
“Why take a chance on what Hillary, Giuliani or the others might do? I promise you more of what’s been going on. And sure it’s not all good, but you’re familiar with it. And what you’re familiar with you can be comfortable with. Besides, we’ve got plenty of welfare for the poor and a good stock market and a decent employment rate. Okay the Iraq thing is a problem, but if we all get frustrated enough we’ll just pull out our troops and drop the ‘big one.’ Then Iraq is just one big radio-active hole. But hey, that would be a change and that’s not really what I’m about,” said Deepli.
Political pundits were uncertain of what to make of the Deepli platform. “I’ve never seen anything like it and I’m confused,” said Janice Woblenobber, Director of the Policy for Change Institute. “This smacks of political honesty that I don’t think America is ready for.”
“It’s just more rhetoric,” said competing candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton. “To think that the US wants to look at this guy for four years instead of me is to mistake the power inherent in Democratic politics. Not to mention that I’m blonder than he is.”
Rudy Giuliani was only slightly more charitable. “I like his mustache,” he said. That’s about it.”
© 2007 Inebriated Press