Daily Archives: June 25, 2007

Paris to Bail Jail Tuesday

Out for good behavior, a longstanding trademark

Inebriated Press
June 25, 2007

Los Angeles officials say Paris Hilton will be released from jail for good behavior on June 26.  Officials refused to admit what kind of behavior she and the jailors were engaged in but word is that it was “pretty good.” Nodding and winking, officials hinted that a new internet video of a movie remake may soon be available called “Bare in the Big Blue House.”  Hilton could make the announcement herself during an interview already scheduled to air Wednesday, June 27th on CNN.

Reportedly ABC, NBC and CNN were in a bidding war and NBC anted up $1 million in cash to get the first “Paris out of jail” interview.  It has been confirmed that CNN’s Larry King won the interview and will talk with Paris this Wednesday evening and that there will not be a monetary exchange.  Questions to CNN about other planned exchanges were rebuffed with the typical “no comment, get the hell out of here.”  The American Medical Association has reported that there are rumors circulating heart bypass clinics that Larry has been mainlining Vitamin E for the past two days and UPS has delivered two cases of “blue pills” to his office.  The U.S. Pharmaceutical Institute declined comment except to say that business has been “firming up.”

In the past several weeks Paris has been convicted, had her sentence reduced and was then locked up, then was released and then locked up and now is slated for release.  Vegas odds-makers are laying 4 to 1 that the judge will change his mind and she’ll be back in the clink within 48 hours.  Jersey bookies are offering 2-1 that she’ll be back in jail or in a halfway house inside of six months.  The New York Stock Exchange is off 32 points.

Handlers say Paris has been working out mentally and physically and will appear demure and sexy and that black and white stripes actually worked for her.  When asked what he’s expecting from Paris, Larry King said that Paris was a beautiful city and that he has often enjoyed visiting the Eifel tower.

Paris has denied comment except to say she has also enjoyed the Eifel tower.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Dry Cleaner Wins $54 Million Missing Pants Lawsuit

Inebriated Press
June 25, 2007

Washington Superior Court Judge Judith Bartnoff ruled today that Roy “Pants-less” Pearson is not due $54 million from Custom Cleaners for losing his pants.  Bartnoff said that despite Pearson’s pants-less state and general bad dress he had not proven that Custom had in fact lost the missing pants.

Pants-less men and woman across America were enraged and news media has reported numerous riots breaking out in cities across the country.  Men and women without pants gathered at mosques and kiosks chanting “down with America” and “pants-less unite against the man.”  Meanwhile the American Cleaner-Dryer Clothing group (ACDC) a national nonprofit dry cleaner association, celebrated by throwing a beer bash and encouraging members to continue using their inventory like a giant personal closet.

“It’s high time Americans realize that when we’re in charge of their pants, we’re in charge of their pants,” said Iggy Swenson, Executive Director of ACDC.  “And if pants get lost, well, that’s just the way it goes.”

It was a disappointing day for Pearson.  He sat bare legged in his suit coat and underwear in the empty courtroom and contemplated his loss.  Waxing philosophical he said softly, “my legs are cold.” 

And so was justice. 

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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