Dry Cleaner Wins $54 Million Missing Pants Lawsuit

Inebriated Press
June 25, 2007

Washington Superior Court Judge Judith Bartnoff ruled today that Roy “Pants-less” Pearson is not due $54 million from Custom Cleaners for losing his pants.  Bartnoff said that despite Pearson’s pants-less state and general bad dress he had not proven that Custom had in fact lost the missing pants.

Pants-less men and woman across America were enraged and news media has reported numerous riots breaking out in cities across the country.  Men and women without pants gathered at mosques and kiosks chanting “down with America” and “pants-less unite against the man.”  Meanwhile the American Cleaner-Dryer Clothing group (ACDC) a national nonprofit dry cleaner association, celebrated by throwing a beer bash and encouraging members to continue using their inventory like a giant personal closet.

“It’s high time Americans realize that when we’re in charge of their pants, we’re in charge of their pants,” said Iggy Swenson, Executive Director of ACDC.  “And if pants get lost, well, that’s just the way it goes.”

It was a disappointing day for Pearson.  He sat bare legged in his suit coat and underwear in the empty courtroom and contemplated his loss.  Waxing philosophical he said softly, “my legs are cold.” 

And so was justice. 

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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