Daily Archives: June 26, 2007

Brave New Battleground: Google Versus Microsoft

Inebriated Press
June 26, 2007

On Monday Google requested permission to file a friend-of-the-court brief so they could intervene in Microsoft’s antitrust settlement regarding Windows.  On Tuesday a federal judge said she’s not likely to allow it even though it’s often difficult to find friends.  

Typing her ruling on a Mac with Linux OS while searching the web using Firefox, U.S. District Court Judge Colleen Kollar-Kotelly wrote that it’s up to the US Department of Agriculture to decide what to do and that she enjoys both Google and Microsoft.  Despite Google’s complaint that Microsoft was using Vista’s “Instant Search” on the desktop in coercive competition with Google’s voluntary program, the Judge said that her Microsoft shares were down and that she had bought Google too late to benefit enough from any decision favoring Google.  She then chuckled and said “only kidding.”

Bill Gates was satisfied with the direction the Judge was leaning and said, “I’m a friend of this court already.  Let’s not let too many folks mix in.”

In 2000 a federal judge ruled that Microsoft had violated federal antitrust law and ruled that the Microsoft Corporation should be broken up.  In 2002 negotiations were undertaken and concluded with Microsoft agreeing to a settlement instead ($50 and a bag of M&M’s to any individual who can prove that Bill Gates personally bit their ankle).  Google reminded the janitor-of-the-court that this ruling should be again considered but with Skittles instead of M&M’s.

At this time the court appears to favor $25 and Trail Mix.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Filed under Humor, IP News

Benevolent Murdoch Tries to Help Dow Jones

Takeover plan merely beneficent

Inebriated Press
June 26, 2007

An “agreement in principle” was reached today between Dow Jones & Company and Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation.  According to Gerbil’s close to the agreement terms provide editorial independence for the Wall Street Journal in the event that it becomes part of the Fox News Family of Friends.  Reportedly this clears the way to further discussion and bouts of heavy drinking.

For the past several weeks Murdoch, chairman of News Corp and the Bancroft family, principal owners of Dow Jones have been wrestling in an attic someplace in New York.  Reportedly Murdoch had several takedowns and a near pin but the Bancroft’s were able to slip out from under him and disguise themselves as a packing trunk and small wooden crate.  When elbows and egos were bruised in the tussle, negotiations shifted to lawyers from both parties.

Dow Jones has been in the Bancroft family since 1902 and they’ve stated publicly that they “like the old girl.”  Comments like those have caused consternation among male staffers of The Wall Street Journal and some have been heard hooting and seen making obscene gestures in all directions. 

News Corporation is known for producing wildly liberal TV shows and wildly conservative news reports.  This has confused both media and investors.  Said a financial analyst close to the business, “who are you again?”

At this time negotiations continue behind closed doors and open windows with only occasional screams and fiendish laughter.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Filed under Humor, IP News