Daily Archives: June 27, 2007

Unhappy Arabs Burn Gas Stations to Protest Lack of Gas

Normally calm Iranians turn crabby

Inebriated Press
June 27, 2007

Iran abruptly enforced fuel rationing on Wednesday sparking normally calm and collected Arabs to destroy gas stations throughout Tehran.  Some merely grumbled and got in line to buy gas from stations not ablaze. 

Iran is the second-biggest exporter in OPEC and many Iranians were puzzled by the lack of fuel in their own country.  This encouraged the logical decision to light things on fire.  “It seemed the thing to do,” said bystander Ahmad Al-O’Brien. 

Reacting with usual grace President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that folks should just calm down and go back to planning Jihad against Israel and the West.  “Let’s use this moment to promote the development of nuclear reactors necessary for energy and stay focused on our peaceful plans for world domination,” said Ahmadinejad.  “These protests merely take away from our daily efforts to maintain the peaceful uprisings in Iraq and may interrupt the funding of freedom oriented terrorism in Lebanon.”

Long considered one of the more diplomatic and loving leaders in the Middle East Ahmadinejad has sought more modernization through nuclear technology while maintaining traditional industries like human trafficking.  According to the CIA’s World Factbook, Iran is a source, transit, and destination country for women and girls trafficked for the purposes of sexual exploitation and involuntary servitude.

Said Ahmadinejad “Whats a little fuel rationing when the outlook for Iranian power is so bright?”

Said garbage hauler Ali-LuAnn, “Can I borrow a match?”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

 

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When is the Vice President not the Vice President?

Or – when is an Executive Office not an Executive Office?

Inebriated Press
June 27, 2007

U.S. Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney has declared that the Office of Vice President of the United States is not an Executive Office and is therefore not subject to national security disclosure requirements.  President George W. Bush agreed and told him to keep his secrets to himself.  In responding to critics who say he needs to turn over information about national security Cheney said, “Let me alone my stuff doesn’t count.”  Democrats decided to play along by proposing to eliminate funding for the Office of Vice President.

Rep. Rahm Emanuel, D-Ill. has sponsored an amendment to the annual spending bill that will de-fund the “non-executive office” of Vice President.  In doing so he noted that five years ago Cheney claimed executive privilege when he refused to release details about meetings with oil industry executives where they discussed energy policy.  Said the Representative, “Now when we want to know what his executive office is doing as it relates to America’s national security, he says he’s a member of the legislative branch.  If he can’t figure out what his office does why should I?  Let’s cut funding and at least we’ll save some money.”

Cheney is known to have heart problems leading some legislators to call him “heartless.”  He reinforced that impression in recent years by shooting a hunting companion in the face.  “I thought he was a bird,” Cheney reportedly said.

When questioned by media about his apparent confusion between offices, birds and friends Cheney reportedly stood beside a small fern and said, “I’m a plant. Who are you talking to?”

Insiders at the Depart of Justice (DOJ) say that the impeachable action’s of Nixon when President is starting to look pretty good and if he weren’t dead, he might be considering a comeback.  “Nixon’s guys broke into offices,” said a DOJ official.  “They at least knew what they were.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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