Daily Archives: June 28, 2007

Of Mice and Men; Human and Mouse Cells Similar

Inebriated Press
June 28, 2007

Two British research groups have discovered stem cells in mice that are almost identical to humans.  Scientists think that this will make it easier to harness cells’ healing power and also make people cuter and fuzzier.

“It makes perfect sense,” said Mickey Mouse.  “I’ve told Pluto I was more like Disney than he was for years.”

The study was published in “Nature” magazine and described the discovery as the “missing link” between animals and humans and said that it may revolutionize medicine.

Scientists have experimented using mice for a long time but have tended to lean toward monkeys when searching for the “missing link.”  The new revelation that men were mice has sent tremors’ through the monkey community.

“Its bull shit,” said Curious George.  “There’s no way mice are closer to men than monkeys.  If that were true the Man in The Yellow Hat would have told me.”

Said Brain, the mouse of TV’s Pinky and The Brain: “At last, the connection I need to realize my ambition: try to take over the world!”

© 2007 Inebriated Press  

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China Says Poisoned Food is Safe

U.S. wants to import Chinese chicken

Inebriated Press

June 28, 2007


China insisted today that its exports are safe and that it “paid great attention” to food products in particular.  “You could say we guarantee the quality of our exports,” said Wang Xinpei, Commerce Ministry spokesman. 

Reportedly the quality of the melamine contained in grain products that went into pet food and killed hundreds US animals was of good quality.  The problem was that melamine is poisonous and not supposed to be in food.  Melamine artificially increases protein readings in food tests and results in higher prices for products.  But profit wasn’t the reason melamine was in the grain according to Xyz Shijang.


“I’m not sure why we put it in there.  Coincidence I guess,” said Shijang.


U.S. authorities have also turned away or recalled toxic fish, juice containing unsafe color additives and popular toy trains decorated with lead paint.


These minor concerns aside, the United States Department of Agriculture has proposed to allow the sale of Chinese chicken in the United States.  US Ag officials say that they would review records and conduct on-site visits to assure Americans that the chicken is safe.


Chinese-made toothpaste also has been banned by numerous countries in North and South America and Asia for containing diethylene glycol, or DEG, a chemical often found in antifreeze. It is also a low-cost — and sometimes deadly — substitute for glycerin, a sweetener in many drugs.  Recently it was found in US hospitals.


“My cat’s dead, my cousin in the hospital is now sicker because of Chinese toothpaste and I’m supposed to think a visit to a chicken farm will make my Chinese chicken meal okay?” asked Susie Q, a local food consumer.  “I’m not a member of Mensa but I don’t think this makes any sense at all.”


Said Xyz Shijang: “Don’t worry.  Be happy!  And make reservations now for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.  We’re going to kick your ass you whiners!”


© 2007 Inebriated Press  



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