Daily Archives: June 29, 2007

The James and Barry Bond Connection

It’s about secrets, success and not getting caught

Inebriated Press
June 29, 2007

Barry Bonds’ has hit 749 home runs and it’s likely that he’ll soon break Hank Aaron’s 755 home run record.  This is truly a historic event despite being surrounded by claims that he’s only successful because he cheats.  It’s the same complaint heard about another Bond — that’s right, James Bond 007.

Bond pundits say that the baseball player has a trainer who slips him steroids or injects him with human growth hormones and that he should not be celebrated even though he’s never been caught or found guilty.  Many of these same whiners complain that James Bond shouldn’t be celebrated because he wins only because Q is loading him with watches emitting magnetic rays and Austin Healey’s with ejector seats.

Then there are those who claim that Barry is virtually a different guy today than years ago.  They say he isn’t the same size or that he doesn’t look like he did when he started playing ball.  These same types say that James isn’t even the same actor that played him when he first walked onto movie screens; and that his hair has changed colors and so has is accent. 

But what’s really going on here?  The reality is that the Bonds are hated because they are successful, don’t get caught and use slight of hand to keep their opponents off guard. 

And that’s the truth.  If you don’t believe me ask Pussy Galore.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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DNA Transplant Makes Artificial Life Possible

Inebriated Press
June 29, 2007

Controversial biologist Craig Venter who led the effort to map the human genome is nearer his goal of creating viable artificial life.  A ground breaking experiment which substituted one species DNA for another has in effect turned that species into a different one.  Or as sex change advocate and participant Lulu Morgan said, “I’m not him anymore.”

Dr. Venter has long been searching for ways to make artificial organisms, with a view toward creating new species of bacteria that can produce environmentally friendly fuels like hydrogen.  His early experiments lead to the creation of Dennis Rodman and Rosie O’Donnell.  Critics say these two are not environmentally friendly at all and many question the ethics behind such experimentation.

During the DNA swap the Venter team took two simple germ cells with a single chromosome and striped its proteins to see if they could “reboot” a foreign cell.  Some of them worked, some did nothing and some advocated Paris Hilton’s early release from jail.

Venter was pleased with the results overall.  “Viable synthetic genomics still remains to be proven and Rodman’s quick divorce from Jennifer Lopez means that the science is still pretty weak.  But we know from the O’Donnell result that real-artificial life is actually possible.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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