Monthly Archives: June 2007

Benevolent Murdoch Tries to Help Dow Jones

Takeover plan merely beneficent

Inebriated Press
June 26, 2007

An “agreement in principle” was reached today between Dow Jones & Company and Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation.  According to Gerbil’s close to the agreement terms provide editorial independence for the Wall Street Journal in the event that it becomes part of the Fox News Family of Friends.  Reportedly this clears the way to further discussion and bouts of heavy drinking.

For the past several weeks Murdoch, chairman of News Corp and the Bancroft family, principal owners of Dow Jones have been wrestling in an attic someplace in New York.  Reportedly Murdoch had several takedowns and a near pin but the Bancroft’s were able to slip out from under him and disguise themselves as a packing trunk and small wooden crate.  When elbows and egos were bruised in the tussle, negotiations shifted to lawyers from both parties.

Dow Jones has been in the Bancroft family since 1902 and they’ve stated publicly that they “like the old girl.”  Comments like those have caused consternation among male staffers of The Wall Street Journal and some have been heard hooting and seen making obscene gestures in all directions. 

News Corporation is known for producing wildly liberal TV shows and wildly conservative news reports.  This has confused both media and investors.  Said a financial analyst close to the business, “who are you again?”

At this time negotiations continue behind closed doors and open windows with only occasional screams and fiendish laughter.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Paris to Bail Jail Tuesday

Out for good behavior, a longstanding trademark

Inebriated Press
June 25, 2007

Los Angeles officials say Paris Hilton will be released from jail for good behavior on June 26.  Officials refused to admit what kind of behavior she and the jailors were engaged in but word is that it was “pretty good.” Nodding and winking, officials hinted that a new internet video of a movie remake may soon be available called “Bare in the Big Blue House.”  Hilton could make the announcement herself during an interview already scheduled to air Wednesday, June 27th on CNN.

Reportedly ABC, NBC and CNN were in a bidding war and NBC anted up $1 million in cash to get the first “Paris out of jail” interview.  It has been confirmed that CNN’s Larry King won the interview and will talk with Paris this Wednesday evening and that there will not be a monetary exchange.  Questions to CNN about other planned exchanges were rebuffed with the typical “no comment, get the hell out of here.”  The American Medical Association has reported that there are rumors circulating heart bypass clinics that Larry has been mainlining Vitamin E for the past two days and UPS has delivered two cases of “blue pills” to his office.  The U.S. Pharmaceutical Institute declined comment except to say that business has been “firming up.”

In the past several weeks Paris has been convicted, had her sentence reduced and was then locked up, then was released and then locked up and now is slated for release.  Vegas odds-makers are laying 4 to 1 that the judge will change his mind and she’ll be back in the clink within 48 hours.  Jersey bookies are offering 2-1 that she’ll be back in jail or in a halfway house inside of six months.  The New York Stock Exchange is off 32 points.

Handlers say Paris has been working out mentally and physically and will appear demure and sexy and that black and white stripes actually worked for her.  When asked what he’s expecting from Paris, Larry King said that Paris was a beautiful city and that he has often enjoyed visiting the Eifel tower.

Paris has denied comment except to say she has also enjoyed the Eifel tower.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Dry Cleaner Wins $54 Million Missing Pants Lawsuit

Inebriated Press
June 25, 2007

Washington Superior Court Judge Judith Bartnoff ruled today that Roy “Pants-less” Pearson is not due $54 million from Custom Cleaners for losing his pants.  Bartnoff said that despite Pearson’s pants-less state and general bad dress he had not proven that Custom had in fact lost the missing pants.

Pants-less men and woman across America were enraged and news media has reported numerous riots breaking out in cities across the country.  Men and women without pants gathered at mosques and kiosks chanting “down with America” and “pants-less unite against the man.”  Meanwhile the American Cleaner-Dryer Clothing group (ACDC) a national nonprofit dry cleaner association, celebrated by throwing a beer bash and encouraging members to continue using their inventory like a giant personal closet.

“It’s high time Americans realize that when we’re in charge of their pants, we’re in charge of their pants,” said Iggy Swenson, Executive Director of ACDC.  “And if pants get lost, well, that’s just the way it goes.”

It was a disappointing day for Pearson.  He sat bare legged in his suit coat and underwear in the empty courtroom and contemplated his loss.  Waxing philosophical he said softly, “my legs are cold.” 

And so was justice. 

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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North Korea to Disable Nuclear Reactor

Inebriated Press
June 22, 2007

US envoy Christopher Hill says North Korea is ready to “disable” its Yongbyon nuclear reactor with few demands.

Returning from a surprise visit to Pyongyang during which Mr Hill leapt from a large cake at a party for North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il, Hill said he was optimistic that the six-party agreement was as sound as Jong-il’s mind and was better looking too.

“We only promised Jong-il $800 billion in cash plus a lifetime supply of gummy worms,” said a smiling Hill.  “We were able to negotiate him out of his earlier demand for $800 billion in cash plus a green tube top and 5 pairs of Levi’s.  I am confident that this will result in the complete denuclearization of North Korea.”

In 2006 North Korea held its first nuclear test and has proven its ability to crash missiles into the sea.  The growing crisis led North Korea to expel UN nuclear inspectors and ultimately brought about the tough negotiations. 

Jong-il was unavailable to comment on the agreement at press time, since reruns of Mr. Ed were running and his tape machine was broken.

For decades North Korea has been one of the world’s most secretive societies and Jong-il has been considered a nut case outside his country.  Inside North Korea his countrymen consider him a great hero and wonderful patron who only starves them part of the time and then usually only on specific holidays.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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“More of the Same” Talk Helps Candidate

Inebriated Press
June 22, 2007

In a break with traditional “time for a change” politics, presidential candidate Felix Deepli (Independent) announced a “more of the same” campaign platform.  ABC-CBS-FOX-NBC polls all showed Deepli’s approval rating moving decidedly higher. 

“It’s time we recognize election uncertainty for what it is,” said Deepli at a media conference in New York yesterday.  “How many candidates have you heard tell you that they’ll change things for the better; only to change them for their betterment and not yours?  Well enough of that.”

Deepli presented a platform that mirrored current government trends – higher taxes on the middle class, continued uncertainty over Iraq, bigger government, expansion of welfare, wage increases for Congress and mixed policy on the environment.  In addition, he pressed policy initiatives designed to support low unemployment, continued growth in the stock market, more support for technology and biofuels.   He said that the biggest benefit of his election is consistency.

“Why take a chance on what Hillary, Giuliani or the others might do?  I promise you more of what’s been going on.  And sure it’s not all good, but you’re familiar with it.  And what you’re familiar with you can be comfortable with.  Besides, we’ve got plenty of welfare for the poor and a good stock market and a decent employment rate.  Okay the Iraq thing is a problem, but if we all get frustrated enough we’ll just pull out our troops and drop the ‘big one.’  Then Iraq is just one big radio-active hole.  But hey, that would be a change and that’s not really what I’m about,” said Deepli.

Political pundits were uncertain of what to make of the Deepli platform.  “I’ve never seen anything like it and I’m confused,” said Janice Woblenobber, Director of the Policy for Change Institute.  “This smacks of political honesty that I don’t think America is ready for.”

“It’s just more rhetoric,” said competing candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton.  “To think that the US wants to look at this guy for four years instead of me is to mistake the power inherent in Democratic politics.  Not to mention that I’m blonder than he is.”

Rudy Giuliani was only slightly more charitable.  “I like his mustache,” he said.  That’s about it.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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McDonald’s Introduces New Trans-fat Free Fries

Inebriated Press
June 21, 2007

In a burst of trade and health related news McDonalds Corporation announced today that they are switching to all-trans-fat-free Chinese cooking oil for their french-fry production.

In a watershed deal with China, McDonald’s will import Chinese trans-fat free cooking oil made from asbestos and used oil from heavy construction equipment.  This “special blend” as it is called, is healthier because its free of trans-fats and has an important environmental benefit:  it will reduce the contamination of China’s land fills.

“This is truly a watershed moment in the fast food industry,” gurgled McDonald CEO XYZ.  “I’ll bet no one saw this coming!”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Mad Cows Terrorize London

Inebriated Press
June 21, 2007

In a bizarre twist on the Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy saga (also known as BSE or “Mad Cow” disease) bovines angered by dairy farmers with chapped hands marched on London to protest ham handed scratchiness.  After several messy hours of negotiation the cows eventually calmed and the city returned to normal. 

Chaffed and dismayed, the group of 47 Holsteins crossed London and met Defra officials (Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs).  Local cow language interpreter Angus Jersey was called in and talked with the Holsteins on behalf of Defra.  After several hours of discussion the cows returned to their paddocks having receiving promises that Defra would investigate the “ill treatment of cow mammary.”  Reportedly the cows defecated here and there along a meandering path across the city.

Said an unnamed Defra official, “shit this is a mess.”

“You should be on this side,” a Holstein reportedly rebutted.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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