Monthly Archives: July 2007

Red Bull Stops Cancer, Saves Lives

Scientists discover caffeine is key to good health

Inebriated Press
July 31, 2007

WebMD reported today that a new study shows that a combination of caffeine and exercise kills precancerous cells damaged by the sun’s ultraviolet-B (UVB) radiation.  Doctors say that the sun-protective effect of the caffeine-exercise combo means that slamming a Red Bull or espresso and then sprinting to your car to go work is now your key to a lifetime of good health. You’ve been doing it right all along.  Who’d have guessed?

Allan Connman, director of Rutgers University Laboratory says more study is still needed.  “We need to dig deeper into how the combination of caffeine, exercise and funding for my department results in better living for us all,” he said.  “More funding is especially important.”

The study compared the effects of caffeine, exercise, and the combination of both in groups of hair-free mice whose skin is prone to cancer.  One group of mice drank the human equivalent of one or two cups of coffee (caffeine laced water). Another group voluntarily ran on an exercise wheel, and a third drank the caffeine and ran.  The drink-and-run group burned off the most precancerous cells thus insuring better health.

“We’re mystified as to why the ‘Red Bull and a dash’ group did so well,” said researcher Polly Cantilever.  “I’ve personally done a drink and run thing on Friday nights at the bar which has helped me avoid unwanted pregnancy.  I never guessed espresso and my sprint to the car on mornings was doing so much good for my health!”

Consumer advocate and whistle-blower Ralph Nader was less than enthusiastic.  “We’re all going to die anyway,” said Nader.  “Until the federal government changes its policy on global warming it’s all moot.”

The results of the study appear in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences and in the back of Mad Magazine.

©  2007 Inebriated Press

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Apple Sued Over iPhone Battery

Innovative design includes welding battery to case

Inebriated Press
July 31, 2007

Jose Tujo is seeking a class action lawsuit against Apple for iPhone innovation deficiency pain.  He alleges that by welding the iPhone battery into the case so a user can’t change it Apple dropped the ball on innovation and owes him money.  Industry analysts’ say that welding the battery to the case and charging the customers each time they need to change it is very innovative and Tujo is a dolt.

“My name is Jose,” said Tujo.  “And I want the millions that I have coming to me.  I’ve been duped because I thought it was innovative to change my own batteries.  I’ve been swindled and misled.  They say it’s innovative to block my battery changing lifestyle.  They are malicious and unprincipled bastards.  My name is Jose.”

Executives at Apple said that everything Tujo needs to know is in the booklet that came with the iPhone and he could have easily discovered the secret to the battery and then returned the iPhone in anger rather than waiting until it quit working.  “He’s his own worst enemy,” said Steve Jobs a hard working American innovator who doesn’t make mistakes.  “The guy should have studied the manual the day he bought the iPhone like everyone else in America does.”

Bill Gates, former chief at Microsoft and a rival of Apple for many years said that the iPhone innovation was a brilliant way to sell battery services.  “Apple’s been attempting to copy my approach of locking up markets and controlling consumers for years.  Welding a battery into a devise and charging the user to change it is pure genius.  Almost makes me wish I was back hosing folks with MS updates like I used to.  Kind of gets my blood going.”

©  2007 Inebriated Press

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Blu-ray versus HD DVD Getting Really, Really Hot

US porn industry embraces one, Japan the other

Inebriated Press
July 30, 2007

PC World magazine reports that the Japanese porn industry has turned exclusively to the Blu-ray Disc while HD DVD is the leading high-def format in the U.S. porn business.  Sony says that they’re stepping up their involvement and won’t actually produce Blu-ray porn but will help anyone who needs “technical support”.  Playboys’ Hugh Hefner said he also enjoys providing “technical support” of all kinds. 

The adult film industry has long been a first mover in using new technologies, and many analysts say the industry played a key role in making VHS the winner in the video cassette fight against Sony’s Betamax video tape standard years ago.  Some think this is why Sony started the “Blu-Ray Porn Support Division” and has started running advertisements in the business magazines Porn Week and The Porn Street Journal.

Speaking at the Adult Video News convention, Sony CEO Howard “Ho” Swinger said he’s not taking sides on whether U.S. or Japanese porn is better but decided he should support the industry by getting more personally involved.  “I’ve been studying all angles of the industry up close to ensure that Sony can provide the maximum technical support,” said Swinger.  “I’m all over this stuff.”

Toshiba, one of the heavy-weights in HD DVD systems said they aren’t taking Sony’s plan standing up.  They plan to maintain their leadership position in the high-def field and porn in particular.  Toshiba CEO Tad Okay says his interest in the porn industry ramped up last year after his wife left him.  “I began spending a couple of hours each day studying the quality of porn in various formats,” said Okay.  “I am comfortable that Toshiba will be able to maintain our current position and any other positions we may try.”

No one is sure which technology will win out and pay off the biggest.  “Ultimately it’s in everyone’s financial interests to have one, or the other, format prevail,” said James McQ, principal analyst at Forrester Investment Research.  “I haven’t spent the time eyeing all of this the way video equipment CEO’s have, but from what I’ve seen the girls and their formats look pretty good.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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China Cuts Back on Antifreeze in Toothpaste

Importers risk frozen smiles

Inebriated Press
July 30, 2007

China has banned diethylene glycol (DEG) — a chemical agent found in antifreeze — from use in toothpaste.  In recent weeks Chinese toothpaste made with the toxic substance (which can cause kidney failure, paralysis and death) has been pulled from stores in North and South America, Europe and Asia.  China decided if that’s the way buyers were going to behave then they’d ban the antifreeze ingredient and let the world risk frozen teeth. 

DEG is used in China as a low-cost substitute for glycerin, a sweetener commonly found in drugs, food, toothpaste and other products.  China’s official stance is that toothpaste with antifreeze is safe: “Long-term use of toothpaste containing DEG will not have a negative health impact on humans,” the administration said. “Not one Chinese has reported their death from DEG toothpaste.”

Eskimo’s are panicking over the change.  “How will I keep my teeth from freezing,” asked Chemo Downer, of Anchorage, Alaska.  “I count on the Chinese to protect my smile.  Looks like I’m screwed.” 

American party goers are also wary.  “How many times haven’t we all tried to dodge people with frozen smiles headed our way at dinner parties,” said Maine socialite Andrea Glade.  “We’re facing a pretty scary prospect here.”

Hollywood plastic surgeons have reported a surge in phone calls from actresses wanting to know how quickly they can increase their breast sizes.  “They’re worried about people noticing their frozen teeth,” said Lemmie Plumpim, a silicon specialist.  “They want to distract people from looking at their mouths.”

In other news, China reports that preparation for the 2008 Beijing Olympics are going well and that food safety concerns have pretty much “died out”.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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China Cleans up Food Safety Issues; Kills U.S. Pigeons, Bans Magazines

Solves food poisoning by blaming others, hiding problems

Inebriated Press
July 27, 2007
The Washington Post reported today that the Chinese may still be Red Communists after all.  Plagued by food safety problems and reeling beneath press reports that exposed lax rules resulting in tainted exports (which killed U.S. pets and sickened people in Canada, the U.S. and Latin America) China is solving things by banning the press.

“No news is good news,” said President Hu Jintao.  “If our media won’t produce good news they’ll make none at all.”

According to a report circulating among Beijing intellectuals, Li Changchun, China’s senior propaganda official, went to President Hu Jintao recently requesting a ban on the July issue of the magazine Yanhuang Chunqiu. 

Changchun said that he was merely seeking to calm things down.  “It’s common to ban publications and kill people who get out of line here,” said Changchun.  “If we ban the media we won’t have to kill as many people, so what we’re doing here is preserving human life.”  Amnesty International agrees.

Amnesty International director Bill Schulz said that the Chinese value human life more than any other culture.  “The Red’s have always valued human life,” said Schultz.  “That’s why there are so many of them.  If the Chinese government really killed off as many people as some claim they have, their population would be smaller.  The same is true of the food safety issues.  Everything is fine in China.  Don’t worry about it.”

An order issued on Monday by the top Chinese propaganda organization said, “News publishing professionals must resolutely instill a Marxist concept of news, maintain party principles, firmly uphold professional ethics and voluntarily commit themselves to upholding the sacred mission and glorious responsibility bestowed on them by the party and the people.”

Apparently “glorious responsibility” means protecting Red China’s Communist Party Officials and anyone responsible for the quality of food and food exports in and from China.

China killed 41 homing pigeons from the U.S. today saying it was risky imports like those that created China’s problems.  Liek Skam, China’s export-import official said that China’s recent exports of poison toothpaste and wheat gluten was brought on by the U.S.  “I was watching a U.S. import called Baywatch and didn’t see the export problem.  Pam Anderson and the U.S. capitalist system caused this food safety breakdown.  They should be punished or at least bathe me by hand,” said Skam.

Amnesty’s Schultz agreed.  “Pam Anderson should bathe me too,” he said.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Pepsi Sells Tap Water for Fun and Profit

Only makes a few million; not that big a deal

Inebriated Press
July 27, 2007

PepsiCo revealed today that it’s Aquafina bottled water is made with tap water.  Corporate Accountability International said that Pepsi will now put “Public Water Source” on all Aquafina labels.  Pepsi said it wouldn’t affect sales because they’d make the print really small.

“What water source isn’t a public source,” said Pepsi Chief Executive Indra Nooyi.  “If they work at it the public can get its own water from mountain streams, France or their bathroom faucets.” 

A spokesperson for Coca-Cola Company said their water comes from the men’s room at the Atlanta office and that it’s approved by both the Atlanta Public Utilities Commission and the men’s room attendant.  “This stuff is pretty good,” said Leroy Isdell, men’s room attendant and Coke CEO’s cousin.  “I use it all the time.”

The consumer group Eat Good or Die (EGOD) says that Pepsi and Coke should have labeled their water sooner.  “We should know if we’re just drinking standard tap water and not something carried from the mountains by ducks,” said Saz Perilla, EGOD director.  “It’s not the price it’s the ethics.  Well, maybe it’s the price.”

The fella’s at Jake’s Billiard Room and Slab Works say that the EGOD group is over-reacting.  “What’d you say,” said Izzy Stillhere.  “I’m shootin.”

Dave Kolpak, a portfolio manager at Victory Capital Management said it is too early to tell if there will be an economic impact on the stock market.  “Sure the market was off 311 points yesterday.  But I think that was because of something else.”

San Francisco’s mayor recently banned city employees from using city funds to buy bottled water when tap water is available. Ann Arbor, Michigan just passed a resolution banning commercially bottled water at city events and Salt Lake City, Utah asked department heads to eliminate bottled water unless they’re thirsty.

In other news U.S. astronauts who flew space shuttle missions drunk are now seen as simply trying to avoid water from Coke’s men’s’ room.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Those Drunken Astronauts in Their Flying Machines

Panel review discovers NASA astronauts fly while intoxicated

Inebriated Press
July 26, 2007

Aviation Week & Space Technology says it has obtained a draft report by a special panel indicating that NASA allowed astronauts to fly while intoxicated.  In a hastily arranged media conference at Bob’s Bar and Grill, NASA spokesman Webster B.”We-be” Soused said the report writers were “mad as March hares and crazy to boot”.  But not everyone is brushing the report off lightly. 

“I’m not brushing this report off lightly,” said NASA Administrator Mike Griffin wincing under a bright light.  “We’re not taking this lightly, and I’m not just saying that.”

The respected trade publication, which doesn’t reveal its sources, said panel members found evidence that suggested “heavy use of alcohol” by astronauts during the period leading up to a launch.  Details are slowly emerging but some of the indicators include empty bottles of Jack Daniels and Budweiser cans in the astronauts’ locker room, motel rooms, in pants pockets of space suits in the laundry room and stuck between control levers of the Atlantis Space Shuttle.

Professor of Aeronautics Dr. Bly Alditude said that he went back and reviewed recent videos produced onboard several of the Space Shuttles.  “Initially I found nothing unusual with the video clips which showed astronauts floating and spinning around in space, and the inconsistent and sometimes slurred or difficult to understand speech,” said Alditude.  “But when I looked at the date and time recorded I realized that they were still on the ground when the video was made.  They hadn’t even launched off yet.”

The independent panel was established after the arrest in February of former space shuttle flier Lisa Nowak, who was implicated in a love triangle.  After tracking a fellow astronaut’s girlfriend across several states, Nowak caught up with her in an airport parking lot and attacked her with pepper spray.  This got the NASA Administrator thinking that perhaps the astronauts were no longer as stable as they used to be and he initiated the review. 

“You have to be a bit crazy to strap yourself into one of these controlled explosions,” said Administrator Griffin.  “But Nowak’s dogs weren’t all on a leash anymore.  It was time for an independent look-see.”

One of NASA’s space operations chiefs, Bill Gritsmill was asked if he had encountered any safety issues with falling-down-drunk astronauts.  He said that other than a couple of shuttle disasters there had been no significant problems.  “Some of these things just kind of take care of themselves,” said Gritsmill.

Editors’ note: Inebriated Press is obligated to report on Inebriated Astronauts’ regardless of our affection.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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