Daily Archives: July 2, 2007

US Government Says Organic Food is Too Organic

In order to make things fair, standards need to be lowered

Inebriated Press
July 2, 2007

The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) has decided that non-organic substances can be included in organic food products and still be called USDA Certified Organic.  They opened a comment period to allow consumers to whine if they want.

“The organic market is a big one and it’s time for the major food companies to be able to compete with the small scale organic farmers,” said USDA Secretary of Agriculture Johanns.  “We need a level playing field and it’s too tough for industrial Ag to weed the fields and raise pigs in a pasture and only use organic products to produce USDA Certified Organic foods.  It’s not fair to the big companies and fairness is what we want.  So we’re lowering the standards so they can compete with these pesky mom and pop dirt farmers who do everything hands-on.  Crazy bastards.  That’s just no way to run a farm let alone an industry.”

Now that organic food has caught on with consumers afraid of Mad Cow disease, milk and meat produced with synthetic hormones and imported Chinese foodstuffs laced with poisons and toxic chemicals; big industry has a big interest in selling certified organic products.  And the USDA wants them to be able to.  So after years of protectionism and market development fostered by small fledgling organic farmers and food co-ops its time for them to back-down and get more flexible.

The Secretary says USDA Certified Organic foods that contain non-organic fish oil, sausage casings, rice starch and whey protein; in addition to non-organic colorings, flavors and other additives is A-OK with him.  “Having a little melamine, antifreeze and asbestos in food is actually desirable,” said USDA Secretary Johanns.  “Look how many Chinese there are.  If this stuff was really unhealthy they’d only have half their actual population.”

“I don’t think this is such a good idea,” said dirt farmer Bob Tom of Wayback, Iowa.  “I always kind of figured that if you call something organic then it ought to be organic.  I guess I’m easily confused.”

Said Secretary Johanns, “Damn betcha you are.  Now loosen up.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Google Exec Takes on Michael Moore

Says Sicko film reflects Moore’s fears of future self

Inebriated Press
July 2, 2007

Google executive Lauren Turner ripped Michael Moore’s film “Sicko” in a blog last Friday, saying Moore’s attacks were merely an attempt to get his health insurance premiums reduced.

Citing notes from Moore’s psychiatrists that were recently converted for Google’s non-copyright protected “iGoog Books of the Future” segment, she outlined fears that Moore shared with his psychiatrist that he was going to get sicker as he gets older and more obese.  Reportedly his fear of healthcare has him skipping physicals and his belief that things are better in China and Cuba has him eating only imported food.  When he finally decided to get a blood test (“just for fun,” he said) he was stunned to learn that there are high amounts of melamine, asbestos and antifreeze in his system.

Media sources verified that Moore’s health insurance premiums skyrocketed after insurers confirmed that he eats un-inspected foreign food, is overweight, doesn’t exercise and passed the 50 year old mark.  They were also wary of his future health condition when they discovered that his penchant for Chinese food didn’t mean local US restaurants.

Using a Google Beta version of an unreleased search engine, the Google executive found memo’s in Moore’s sock drawer that outlined his plan to produce the film Sicko in an effort to brow beat his medical insurance company into reducing the premium that they charge him.   

Turner found the sock drawer memo’s in a “Moore for Less” folder as she prepared her Health Advertising blog.  Her blog entry, titled “Does negative press make you Sicko?,” suggested that companies who disagree with Moore and feel the premiums charged him are fair should fight back with advertisements on Google.

Moore supporters filleted Turner by posting “Google caves in to insurers” and “Moore is just a pudgy guy” on their blogs.

Moore refused to comment other than to say he’d expose Google in an upcoming film called, “Gog and iGoog, the coming Anti Christ”.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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