Daily Archives: July 13, 2007

New Taiwanese Pigs Glow in the Dark

Al Gore lauds new pig as energy saver and peace maker

Inebriated Press

July 13, 2007

Wu Shinn-chih, assistant professor at the National Taiwan University and researcher in its Institute of Animal Science and Technology, inserts genes from jellyfish, microbes and cows into pig embryos to create pigs with special effects.  The pigs literally glow in the dark and former U.S. Vice President Al Gore believes that light can be used to reduce pollution caused by coal burning power plants.

The university now has a herd of 30 pigs that carry the glow-in-the-dark gene, which was isolated from a jellyfish.

“We’re not the first to make a pig that glows in the dark, but our pig is the first that glows all over, inside and out,” said Winston Cheng, a professor in Wu’s Department.  “We don’t need light bulbs in order to see in the dark anymore.”

Al Gore is encouraging all American’s to purchase three or four pigs per household and use their light to read and work by.

“This glowing pig innovation can save our fossil fuels and reduce emissions from energy producing power plants.  If families and corporations put pigs in their homes and offices, we can cut U.S. energy consumption by at least 30% and stop global warming,” gushed Gore at a recent Live Earth concert.

But not everyone is happy with the idea.  Cleric Izmom Hari said that Muslim’s cannot live with pigs and Rabbi Izzac Ibinout agreed.  “This is against our religion,” said the Rabbi. 

“Where are the guns, I must shoot someone,” said the Cleric.

Gore was pleased with the reaction of the religious leaders.  “Even if they can’t live with pigs, the fact that a Jew and Arab actually agree on something is stunning.  I think this pig thing may not only save the planet from global warming, it may also unite Arabs and Jews like never before.” 

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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New Science Makes Tummy Fat Genes Grow New Breasts

Inebriated Press

July 13, 2007 

Scientists say they can create a fat mixture with concentrated stem cells from a woman’s waist, which, when injected into the breast encourages tissue to grow.  Fat-waisted, small-chested women reacted with optimism over the news.

The therapy, detailed in Chemistry and Industry Magazine says it could help patients who have had mastectomies or people who just want bigger jugs.

Cytori Therapeutics plans to license the new technique and hopes to compete with silicone breast implant companies.  McDonald’s Food Corporation announced a $2.5 million investment in Cytori.  

“We want to be part of a food system that helps women get bigger breasts and smaller waists,” said McDonald’s CEO Jim Skinner.  “With this new technique, burger and fry girls will be plumping up their chests and not their waistline.  We’re thinking of starting a McD Cup Line with Victoria’s secret and co-branding a line of “Victoria McDonald Happy Meals.”

Ronald McDonald likes the idea. “I’m eager for this deal to start,” said Ronald.  “You have no idea how hard it is to get dates when you look like me.  Hopefully I’ll have an inside track with Victoria Secret models.”

Doctors say that the procedure can be carried out over a single lunch hour and may also use ass fat.  Some scientists say that fat from the stomach, bottom or thigh can be taken out with a standard liposuction procedure, and the stem cells then extracted and injected into a women’s chest.  They said that breasts then fill out over the course of six months.

Big-assed girls also lauded the discovery and look forward to a brighter future.  Reportedly Jennifer Lopez has scheduled an appointment to consult with scientists at Cytori Therapeutics and fry chefs at McDonald’s Corporation.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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