Daily Archives: July 16, 2007

Infidelity in Congress as Natural as Tax Hikes

Lawmakers stick to “do as we say, not as we do” philosophy

Inebriated Press
July 16, 2007

On Monday Wendy Vitter publicly forgave her husband Senator David Vitter (R-LA) for sleeping with prostitutes.  The Senator has been a longtime defender of the sanctity of marriage and says that he probably should have set aside the “do as we say not as we do” Washington tradition and kept his bells in the right church.  Reportedly he’s now one bell short of a set as part of the terms reached with Wendy for her public announcement.

Senator Vitter walked to the podium with a slight limp and introduced his wife Wendy who said she promised to stick by him “for better or worse.”  She said that this was clearly for the worse and he’d better quit screwing around with her and the country.  The Senator appeared humble and somewhat uncomfortable and said “okay.”

New Orleans’ Madam Jeanette Maier said Vitter was a regular customer at her Canal Street brothel and hated to “out” the guy, but he and several other Senators and Congressmen were behind in their payments.  She said that she hoped her release of his name would get everyone paid up to date.  “We’ve been receiving wire transfer payments ever since I went public,” said Maier.  “Some are posting advances and creating drawing accounts so I think this has been pretty successful.”

Former President Bill Clinton said that he was “shocked and saddened” that the Republican’s poor payment record was impacting brothel business.  “It’s one more example of how the Republican’s have been screwing up the economy,” said Clinton at a media conference held in the 56th Street Hooters in New York City.  “We Democrats may not fund the military but we take care of our women at home.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton was seen glaring at Bill and popping aspirin but refused to comment.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Britain Expels Russians for Basic Hate-killing

Russia says radioactive polonium-210 is common in salads and Brit’s are over reacting

Inebriated Press
July 16, 2007

Britain ordered the expulsion of four Russian diplomats today over the Kremlin’s refusal to extradite a key suspect in the death of a former KGB spy who turned Kremlin critic.  Russian President Vladimir Putin said that Britain was over reacting and that radioactive polonium-210 is a common ingredient in salads fed to anti-Kremlin Russians in Moscow.

British prosecutors named Russian businessman and former KGB agent Andrei Lugovoi as the chief suspect in the murder of Alexander Litvinenko.  Litvinenko became sick and died after eating a meal with Lugovoi.  After dismissing initial ideas that his illness was due to Lugovoi’s bad table manners, official tests discovered deadly radioactive polonium-210 in Litvinenko’s tableware and throughout his blood and tissue.

Russia has refused to extradite Lugovoi, saying its constitution prevents extradition due to the risk of being found guilty and being made to feel bad about it.
 
Putin said that London’s position was immoral.  “They should understand how provocative these actions are.  If they keep this up we might have to feed their diplomats some of our salad.”

The French Foreign Office offered to mediate between the countries.  “We feel that it’s important to differentiate between political killings and ones conducted merely out of hate,” said French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner.  “The Brit’s are at fault here in attempting to politicize a murder that’s obviously a simple hate killing.  The Brit’s need to cut the Russian’s some slack.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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