Daily Archives: July 17, 2007

U.S. Intelligence Report: ‘terrorists still don’t like us’

Surprising report says Islamic terrorists want to kill Americans

Inebriated Press
July 17, 2007

The latest U.S. National Intelligence Report says that the country faces threats from Islamic terrorist groups and cells.  The surprising report indicates that the U.S. has disrupted a number of attempts by Al-Qa’ida to attack the Homeland but Al-Qa’ida has continued its effort to get hold of chemical, biological, radiological, and nuclear material to increase its assault.  Democrat majority leaders were dumbfounded. 

In a hastily arranged press conference Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said, “President Bush is behind the eight-ball here.  Why haven’t we placated Al-Qa’ida like the North Koreans?  We should be shipping them oil, cash and blue jumpsuits.”

The report said that the threat to Europe was not as severe.  Reaction from the French Tourism Board came swiftly.  In an official statement the Board said, “Come here to visit and you won’t die.  Don’t go look at the Statue of Liberty.” 

U.S. Department of Homeland Security’s Frances Townsend said she was personally monitoring the Statue of Liberty to make sure everything is okay.  “There’s nothing to worry about,” she said.  “Just don’t look at the Mexican border and you’ll feel safer.”

Democrats were quick to lay out a comprehensive plan to combat the continuing threat.  Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi distributed flyers to the press entitled “Give them Disney World” which outlined a step by step program of placation and gifts for Islamofascists cumulating with the ownership transfer of  Walt Disney World to Al-Qa’ida.  “It’ll perk them up and give them a better outlook,” said Reid.  “That damn mouse is funny as hell.”

The Bush Administration criticized the plan saying that the city of San Francisco should be part of the bargaining platform.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Holy Cow with TB a god

TB risk increases in Britain

Inebriated Press
July 17, 2007

Shambo a Hindu Holy Bull has Tuberculosis (TB) and British farmers and the Assembly Government have called for his death and burial in order to end the risk that TB will spread to other people and animals.  However, the High Court ruled that culling the bull would infringe on the community’s rights under Article Nine of the European Convention on Human Rights covering freedom of religion.

Soon to be TB-infected monks rejoiced at the news while farmers depending on the health of their farm animals for their livelihood were upset.

Dee Davis president of National Farmer Union said TB infected animals are always slaughtered to bring the disease under control.  “We don’t have it in for this bull, we just don’t want our animals sick with TB.  If this is some kind of cow god doesn’t martyrdom fit in here someplace?”

Last year 5,000 cattle in Wales were culled because they failed the TB test. 

Ani Bancroft of the Hindu Council for Cow-gods said that he hoped the reprieve wasn’t just temporary.  “This concern is overblown.  If our cow god wants to share TB with us we should be proud to have it.”

In other news McDonald’s reported robust sales of hamburgers and other cow god parts.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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