Daily Archives: July 23, 2007

President Bush Has Colonoscopy, Shows No Cancer, Some Dem Abuse

Despite mistreatment by Democrats, U.S. leader resilient

Inebriated Press
July 23, 2007

The White House announced today that test results from President George W. Bush’s colonoscopy show no signs of cancer but do display scratches identified as coming from Congressional Leader Nancy Pelosi’s fingernails.  Bush said he felt “pretty good, all things considered” and Pelosi said she has plans to shove more proposed Republican legislation up his ass.

Press Secretary Tony Snow issued a statement saying that microscopic evaluation of five polyps that were discovered and removed during the president’s colonoscopy were merely “garden variety.”  Pelosi said that she hadn’t seen a Republican policy garden but doubted that they were pretty.

Bush had temporarily transferred the powers of the presidency to Vice President Dick Cheney during the medical procedure invoking the rarely used 25th Amendment.  Heart specialists monitored a real-time EKG wired to Cheney and stood by with heart defibrillators charged and ready in the event that his heart stopped functioning.  They sought to quell rumors that Cheney’s heart had already stopped working prior to him shooting his friend in the face “accidentally” a year or so ago.  “Its still going,” said Dr. Hugo Hornblaster.  “Really, it is.”

Democrats have taken a particular dislike to the current Republican administration.  “They’re just no fun,” said Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader.  “You go to the Oval Office and it’s just a meeting.  During the Bill Clinton presidency there’d be booze and women.  You never knew what crazy stuff might happen.  It was really cool.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Think men are pigs now, just wait

Genetically modified pig parts for humans ahead 

Inebriated Press
July 23, 2007 

Experiments using pigs genetically engineered for compatibility with the human immune system means that cross-species transplantation may soon become an option for patients with diabetes and other currently incurable diseases.  While the effort is designed to improve human health and save lives some women fear men will become real ass holes. 

Dr. David Cooper of the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center said that there are clear benefits to be gleaned from successful “coagulation dysregulation”.  He says that genetically engineered pigs can produce organs for transplants.  But Kim Gandy president of the National Organization for Women says that pig headed men will get worse and increase in number. 

“Men are already predisposed genetically to be real jerks,” said NOW’s Gandy.  “If we paste men together with additional pig parts women will be shooting these guys wholesale.”

Dr. Cooper downplayed the potential genetic side effects.  “We anticipate some problems of course,” he said.  “But we think they can be minimized with medication.” 

Gandy doesn’t think it’s that simple.  “Dr. Cooper is a guy,” she said.  “Guys exist in a constant state of non-reality.” 

Dr. Cooper said he believes Gandy “doesn’t know shit” but still appreciates her input.  “She’s a guy-hating nonscientist who’s sore that she has to wax her lip and I don’t.  But that doesn’t make her input totally ridiculous; just laughable.  There could be a few side effects.” 

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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