Daily Archives: July 24, 2007

Sheehan Rips Pelosi for Conservative Approach

Alleges she’s a closet conservative

Inebriated Press
July 24, 2007

Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan is so angry at House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s conservative stance that on Monday she threatened to start a political campaign to take her Congressional seat.  Pelosi has refused to start impeachment proceedings against President Bush and prefers to kick his ass until he’s out of office.  This has increasingly riled progressives like Sheehan.

“Impeachment is not a fringe movement, it is mandated in our Constitution right next to Bush’s picture,” Sheehan said.  “Nancy Pelosi has no authority to ignore it and should be driven out of office.”

The packed crowd of nine Sheehan backers showed their support by hooting, spitting on the ground and posing for the 25 photographers and New York Times reporters covering the event.  A Virginia hot dog seller struggled to control the throng and eventually radioed police who promptly ignored him.

Political commentator George “Steffy” Stephanopoulos said that the outcry will change the shape of American politics.  “This type of groundswell will revolutionize everything we think I know about politics in America,” said the characteristically understated Stephanopoulos.  “Today I can’t look at Nancy Pelosi the way you did yesterday.  This brands her as a wild eyed conservative who refuses to date me.”

Pelosi said that she didn’t have time to address Sheehan’s concerns “right now” but plans to include comments about them in her book of memoirs.  Doubleday will publish Pelosi’s memoirs in 2008 just prior to the election.  Pelosi encouraged reporters to advance-order the book from Amazon.com and save money and build demand.  Sheehan said the action just shows Pelosi’s right leaning “money grubbing” tendencies.

William Morris Agency chairman Norman Brokaw negotiated the sale of Pelosi’s memoirs and said that from the first time he met Nancy he could tell she was going to make history.  “I asked Nancy to autograph my right buttock,” said Brokaw.  “I haven’t washed it since.  She’s a babe.”

Sheehan says she doesn’t care if Pelosi is better looking than she is or that her professional life is more remarkable.  “I’ve done some cool shit too,” she said.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Politicians and YouTube; Finally a Level Field

The brilliance of common idiots fits venue

Inebriated Press
July 24, 2007

Democratic candidates for president showed up at The Citadel military academy on Monday night and took direct and sometimes rude questions — thanks to a new debate format that included YouTube videos. Intelligence-calculating Cray Supercomputers estimated the IQ level of both the video makers and politicians and discovered all were operating at 65.  Professor and Nobel Prize winner Dr. Janus Flumox said, “The venue and performance was perfect.  These idiots are made for one another; if the Republicans get lucky they can match these figures.”

But there were moment’s of insight.  Stunning interaction over whether Senator Barack Obama is authentically black and whether Senator Hillary Clinton is sufficiently feminine framed the intellectual debate.  Amazing insights were discovered when Clinton said she was not liberal but progressive and Obama insinuated he has issues with cab drivers.

Each candidate also produced their own video.  Some displayed pet tricks and others were profiled winning eating contests.  Each positioned themselves as leaders capable of avoiding reasoned thought and long term perspective, but fully able to run the most powerful country in the world.  Political analyst Leo Earbalm said all the candidates fit the current profile for high government office.

“When seen in the light of political spin, fear mongering and general piling on, these candidates could all be president today,” said Earbalm.  “Finally America is getting what it deserves.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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