Daily Archives: July 25, 2007

Former President Advises Sports League on “Winning Controversy”

NBA has illegal gambling, MLB illegal steroids & NFL has illegal dog fights. Without controversy the NHL is lost.

Inebriated Press
July 25, 2007

The National Hockey League announced today that it has hired former U.S. President Bill Clinton to advise and create controversy wherever and whenever possible.  It’s part of a new and more aggressive strategy to get noticed and rebuild a declining fan base.

“We’re taking action now before the other sports leagues take all of our fans,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.  “The news is constantly full of stories about athletes in other leagues and we’re falling behind … and now, her-r-r-r-r-e’s Bill!”

With a band playing Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow” the former president hopped up onto the stage with a Hooters girl under each arm.  As cheers rose from the crowd he shouted “it’s time for a change.” 

Clinton said that companies and organizations misunderstand scandal and think it’s a risk.   “You show me a person who’s upset over something and I’ll show you my newest buddy,” said Mr. Clinton patting one of the Hooter girls on the ass.  “You can spin stuff that’s happening and make it work for you.  If nothing is going on then nothing is working for you.”

The former president went on to say that we live in a time where action generates controversy which generates interest.  “You think all that Monica stuff wasn’t staged?” asked Clinton rhetorically.  “Think again.”

According to the former president if you “spin things properly” then all news is good news.  And that’s where the NHL has been losing out.  He said that in the era of 24 hour media coverage he who gets noticed gets watched and can make fans.  So while the National Football League (NFL), Major League Baseball (MLB) and the National Basketball Association (NBA) all have set new records for viewers, attendance and illegal activity, the NHL posted the fewest arrests and record low attendance and viewership.

“We’re going to get the NHL hot again,” said Clinton nuzzling one of the Hooters girls and putting the other one in his pocket.  “Shake but don’t break baby!”

Clinton says that popularity is about buzz, not ethics.  And the former president knows what he’s talking about.  Bill Clinton didn’t just survive scandal, he thrived during it.  You can count on one hand with one finger (you decide which) the number of Presidents who have lied to a Grand Jury, gotten caught with their pants down (literally), had their DNA-verified semen on a young interns dress and yet maintained a solid public approval rating.  It’s a hard act to follow as George W. Bush knows.

“He’s a little bit out there,” said Commissioner Bettman while helping one of the Hooters girls put her bra back on.  “But I’m willing to gamble that this gets the NHL noticed!”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Dead Farmers Paid Government Subsidies

Part of tradition of payments not to plant

Inebriated Press
July 25, 2007

The United States Department of Agriculture (USDA) sent $1.1 billion in farm payments to over 170,000 dead people over a seven-year period, according to congressional investigators. The USDA directs money to farmers who don’t plant crops so prices will be higher for the crops the rest of the farmers plant and sell.  This “subsidy support system” keeps farmers in business for future planting when the government feels more crops are needed.  The program has now been extended to pay farmers who are dead so that they will be willing to come back to life and grow corn when necessary.

Government Accountability Office (GAO) auditors reviewed payments from 1999 through 2005 and found that the Department was basically paying anyone who thought they were a farmer.  Iowa Senator Charles Grassley, senior Republican on the Senate Finance Committee requested the study because he was worried that Iowa farmers weren’t getting their fair share.  “If dead farmers are getting money, it’s important that dead Iowa farmers get what’s coming to them too,” said Grassley.  “It’s really not so bad to pay dead folks; some of them are more productive than live ones.  You ever been at one of these Finance Committee meetings?”

Congressional leaders aren’t sure what to do about the study.  Some want the money back but others are more philosophical.  “You really can’t ask dead folks to give the money back,” said Iowa Senator Tom Harkin.  “Besides, I think these farmers will come back from the dead and raise soybeans if we ask them.  These folks have strong Midwestern values.”

Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns said the GAO was trying to report on a program that it simply didn’t understand.  “The GAO is made up of numbers people and not political people,” said Johanns in a prepared statement.  “The USDA gives food stamps to people who don’t work, we pay farmers who don’t plant, we pay the living and we pay the dead, we pay an enormous staff — I don’t know what half of these people are supposed to be doing.  This is no big deal.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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