Daily Archives: July 26, 2007

Those Drunken Astronauts in Their Flying Machines

Panel review discovers NASA astronauts fly while intoxicated

Inebriated Press
July 26, 2007

Aviation Week & Space Technology says it has obtained a draft report by a special panel indicating that NASA allowed astronauts to fly while intoxicated.  In a hastily arranged media conference at Bob’s Bar and Grill, NASA spokesman Webster B.”We-be” Soused said the report writers were “mad as March hares and crazy to boot”.  But not everyone is brushing the report off lightly. 

“I’m not brushing this report off lightly,” said NASA Administrator Mike Griffin wincing under a bright light.  “We’re not taking this lightly, and I’m not just saying that.”

The respected trade publication, which doesn’t reveal its sources, said panel members found evidence that suggested “heavy use of alcohol” by astronauts during the period leading up to a launch.  Details are slowly emerging but some of the indicators include empty bottles of Jack Daniels and Budweiser cans in the astronauts’ locker room, motel rooms, in pants pockets of space suits in the laundry room and stuck between control levers of the Atlantis Space Shuttle.

Professor of Aeronautics Dr. Bly Alditude said that he went back and reviewed recent videos produced onboard several of the Space Shuttles.  “Initially I found nothing unusual with the video clips which showed astronauts floating and spinning around in space, and the inconsistent and sometimes slurred or difficult to understand speech,” said Alditude.  “But when I looked at the date and time recorded I realized that they were still on the ground when the video was made.  They hadn’t even launched off yet.”

The independent panel was established after the arrest in February of former space shuttle flier Lisa Nowak, who was implicated in a love triangle.  After tracking a fellow astronaut’s girlfriend across several states, Nowak caught up with her in an airport parking lot and attacked her with pepper spray.  This got the NASA Administrator thinking that perhaps the astronauts were no longer as stable as they used to be and he initiated the review. 

“You have to be a bit crazy to strap yourself into one of these controlled explosions,” said Administrator Griffin.  “But Nowak’s dogs weren’t all on a leash anymore.  It was time for an independent look-see.”

One of NASA’s space operations chiefs, Bill Gritsmill was asked if he had encountered any safety issues with falling-down-drunk astronauts.  He said that other than a couple of shuttle disasters there had been no significant problems.  “Some of these things just kind of take care of themselves,” said Gritsmill.

Editors’ note: Inebriated Press is obligated to report on Inebriated Astronauts’ regardless of our affection.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Oscar the Cat Either Predicts Death or Kills People

When the cat hangs around, you die

Inebriated Press
July 26, 2007

Dr. David Dosa says a cat named Oscar is predicting the death of people living in the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center.  Writing in Thursday’s issue of the New England Journal of Medicine Dosa says that the two year old cat makes the rounds at the Center and when he curls up next to a person they die within four hours.  He says the cat foretells the future.  Others say it’s a killer.

Professor Plum of Clue State College says that the cat murders the victims.  “I don’t have iron clad evidence that this cat is knocking off people, but then Major League baseball hasn’t found Barry Bonds doing steroids either,” said Plum.  “I’ll nab him before long.” 

Dosa says that Oscar “seems to take his work seriously” and “is not a cat that is friendly to people.”  But he is convinced that the cat is a psychic and not a killer.  “All cats are aloof and hate people.  He’s so darn fuzzy and cute.  He’s a psychic alright.”

Dr. Joan Teno of Brown University says that Oscar is better at predicting death than the people who work at the Center.  “I think the cat can smell death,” said Teno.  “The small puncture marks we’ve found on the bodies are nothing more than coincidence.”

Nursing home staffers aren’t concerned with explaining Oscar.  When he settles down next to someone they call a family member so they can say “goodbye.”  They recently gave Oscar a wall plaque publicly commending his “compassionate hospice care.”  Rumors of the cats’ origin don’t seem to have caused concern either.

“Sure I owned that cat,” said Dr. Kevorkian in a recent interview.  “When I got out of prison I said I wouldn’t personally kill folks.  I never said I wouldn’t raise pets.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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