Oscar the Cat Either Predicts Death or Kills People

When the cat hangs around, you die

Inebriated Press
July 26, 2007

Dr. David Dosa says a cat named Oscar is predicting the death of people living in the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center.  Writing in Thursday’s issue of the New England Journal of Medicine Dosa says that the two year old cat makes the rounds at the Center and when he curls up next to a person they die within four hours.  He says the cat foretells the future.  Others say it’s a killer.

Professor Plum of Clue State College says that the cat murders the victims.  “I don’t have iron clad evidence that this cat is knocking off people, but then Major League baseball hasn’t found Barry Bonds doing steroids either,” said Plum.  “I’ll nab him before long.” 

Dosa says that Oscar “seems to take his work seriously” and “is not a cat that is friendly to people.”  But he is convinced that the cat is a psychic and not a killer.  “All cats are aloof and hate people.  He’s so darn fuzzy and cute.  He’s a psychic alright.”

Dr. Joan Teno of Brown University says that Oscar is better at predicting death than the people who work at the Center.  “I think the cat can smell death,” said Teno.  “The small puncture marks we’ve found on the bodies are nothing more than coincidence.”

Nursing home staffers aren’t concerned with explaining Oscar.  When he settles down next to someone they call a family member so they can say “goodbye.”  They recently gave Oscar a wall plaque publicly commending his “compassionate hospice care.”  Rumors of the cats’ origin don’t seem to have caused concern either.

“Sure I owned that cat,” said Dr. Kevorkian in a recent interview.  “When I got out of prison I said I wouldn’t personally kill folks.  I never said I wouldn’t raise pets.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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