Daily Archives: July 27, 2007

China Cleans up Food Safety Issues; Kills U.S. Pigeons, Bans Magazines

Solves food poisoning by blaming others, hiding problems

Inebriated Press
July 27, 2007
The Washington Post reported today that the Chinese may still be Red Communists after all.  Plagued by food safety problems and reeling beneath press reports that exposed lax rules resulting in tainted exports (which killed U.S. pets and sickened people in Canada, the U.S. and Latin America) China is solving things by banning the press.

“No news is good news,” said President Hu Jintao.  “If our media won’t produce good news they’ll make none at all.”

According to a report circulating among Beijing intellectuals, Li Changchun, China’s senior propaganda official, went to President Hu Jintao recently requesting a ban on the July issue of the magazine Yanhuang Chunqiu. 

Changchun said that he was merely seeking to calm things down.  “It’s common to ban publications and kill people who get out of line here,” said Changchun.  “If we ban the media we won’t have to kill as many people, so what we’re doing here is preserving human life.”  Amnesty International agrees.

Amnesty International director Bill Schulz said that the Chinese value human life more than any other culture.  “The Red’s have always valued human life,” said Schultz.  “That’s why there are so many of them.  If the Chinese government really killed off as many people as some claim they have, their population would be smaller.  The same is true of the food safety issues.  Everything is fine in China.  Don’t worry about it.”

An order issued on Monday by the top Chinese propaganda organization said, “News publishing professionals must resolutely instill a Marxist concept of news, maintain party principles, firmly uphold professional ethics and voluntarily commit themselves to upholding the sacred mission and glorious responsibility bestowed on them by the party and the people.”

Apparently “glorious responsibility” means protecting Red China’s Communist Party Officials and anyone responsible for the quality of food and food exports in and from China.

China killed 41 homing pigeons from the U.S. today saying it was risky imports like those that created China’s problems.  Liek Skam, China’s export-import official said that China’s recent exports of poison toothpaste and wheat gluten was brought on by the U.S.  “I was watching a U.S. import called Baywatch and didn’t see the export problem.  Pam Anderson and the U.S. capitalist system caused this food safety breakdown.  They should be punished or at least bathe me by hand,” said Skam.

Amnesty’s Schultz agreed.  “Pam Anderson should bathe me too,” he said.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Pepsi Sells Tap Water for Fun and Profit

Only makes a few million; not that big a deal

Inebriated Press
July 27, 2007

PepsiCo revealed today that it’s Aquafina bottled water is made with tap water.  Corporate Accountability International said that Pepsi will now put “Public Water Source” on all Aquafina labels.  Pepsi said it wouldn’t affect sales because they’d make the print really small.

“What water source isn’t a public source,” said Pepsi Chief Executive Indra Nooyi.  “If they work at it the public can get its own water from mountain streams, France or their bathroom faucets.” 

A spokesperson for Coca-Cola Company said their water comes from the men’s room at the Atlanta office and that it’s approved by both the Atlanta Public Utilities Commission and the men’s room attendant.  “This stuff is pretty good,” said Leroy Isdell, men’s room attendant and Coke CEO’s cousin.  “I use it all the time.”

The consumer group Eat Good or Die (EGOD) says that Pepsi and Coke should have labeled their water sooner.  “We should know if we’re just drinking standard tap water and not something carried from the mountains by ducks,” said Saz Perilla, EGOD director.  “It’s not the price it’s the ethics.  Well, maybe it’s the price.”

The fella’s at Jake’s Billiard Room and Slab Works say that the EGOD group is over-reacting.  “What’d you say,” said Izzy Stillhere.  “I’m shootin.”

Dave Kolpak, a portfolio manager at Victory Capital Management said it is too early to tell if there will be an economic impact on the stock market.  “Sure the market was off 311 points yesterday.  But I think that was because of something else.”

San Francisco’s mayor recently banned city employees from using city funds to buy bottled water when tap water is available. Ann Arbor, Michigan just passed a resolution banning commercially bottled water at city events and Salt Lake City, Utah asked department heads to eliminate bottled water unless they’re thirsty.

In other news U.S. astronauts who flew space shuttle missions drunk are now seen as simply trying to avoid water from Coke’s men’s’ room.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Filed under Humor, Imbibers' Choice, IP News