Daily Archives: July 31, 2007

Red Bull Stops Cancer, Saves Lives

Scientists discover caffeine is key to good health

Inebriated Press
July 31, 2007

WebMD reported today that a new study shows that a combination of caffeine and exercise kills precancerous cells damaged by the sun’s ultraviolet-B (UVB) radiation.  Doctors say that the sun-protective effect of the caffeine-exercise combo means that slamming a Red Bull or espresso and then sprinting to your car to go work is now your key to a lifetime of good health. You’ve been doing it right all along.  Who’d have guessed?

Allan Connman, director of Rutgers University Laboratory says more study is still needed.  “We need to dig deeper into how the combination of caffeine, exercise and funding for my department results in better living for us all,” he said.  “More funding is especially important.”

The study compared the effects of caffeine, exercise, and the combination of both in groups of hair-free mice whose skin is prone to cancer.  One group of mice drank the human equivalent of one or two cups of coffee (caffeine laced water). Another group voluntarily ran on an exercise wheel, and a third drank the caffeine and ran.  The drink-and-run group burned off the most precancerous cells thus insuring better health.

“We’re mystified as to why the ‘Red Bull and a dash’ group did so well,” said researcher Polly Cantilever.  “I’ve personally done a drink and run thing on Friday nights at the bar which has helped me avoid unwanted pregnancy.  I never guessed espresso and my sprint to the car on mornings was doing so much good for my health!”

Consumer advocate and whistle-blower Ralph Nader was less than enthusiastic.  “We’re all going to die anyway,” said Nader.  “Until the federal government changes its policy on global warming it’s all moot.”

The results of the study appear in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences and in the back of Mad Magazine.

©  2007 Inebriated Press

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Apple Sued Over iPhone Battery

Innovative design includes welding battery to case

Inebriated Press
July 31, 2007

Jose Tujo is seeking a class action lawsuit against Apple for iPhone innovation deficiency pain.  He alleges that by welding the iPhone battery into the case so a user can’t change it Apple dropped the ball on innovation and owes him money.  Industry analysts’ say that welding the battery to the case and charging the customers each time they need to change it is very innovative and Tujo is a dolt.

“My name is Jose,” said Tujo.  “And I want the millions that I have coming to me.  I’ve been duped because I thought it was innovative to change my own batteries.  I’ve been swindled and misled.  They say it’s innovative to block my battery changing lifestyle.  They are malicious and unprincipled bastards.  My name is Jose.”

Executives at Apple said that everything Tujo needs to know is in the booklet that came with the iPhone and he could have easily discovered the secret to the battery and then returned the iPhone in anger rather than waiting until it quit working.  “He’s his own worst enemy,” said Steve Jobs a hard working American innovator who doesn’t make mistakes.  “The guy should have studied the manual the day he bought the iPhone like everyone else in America does.”

Bill Gates, former chief at Microsoft and a rival of Apple for many years said that the iPhone innovation was a brilliant way to sell battery services.  “Apple’s been attempting to copy my approach of locking up markets and controlling consumers for years.  Welding a battery into a devise and charging the user to change it is pure genius.  Almost makes me wish I was back hosing folks with MS updates like I used to.  Kind of gets my blood going.”

©  2007 Inebriated Press

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Filed under Humor, IP News