Red Bull Stops Cancer, Saves Lives

Scientists discover caffeine is key to good health

Inebriated Press
July 31, 2007

WebMD reported today that a new study shows that a combination of caffeine and exercise kills precancerous cells damaged by the sun’s ultraviolet-B (UVB) radiation.  Doctors say that the sun-protective effect of the caffeine-exercise combo means that slamming a Red Bull or espresso and then sprinting to your car to go work is now your key to a lifetime of good health. You’ve been doing it right all along.  Who’d have guessed?

Allan Connman, director of Rutgers University Laboratory says more study is still needed.  “We need to dig deeper into how the combination of caffeine, exercise and funding for my department results in better living for us all,” he said.  “More funding is especially important.”

The study compared the effects of caffeine, exercise, and the combination of both in groups of hair-free mice whose skin is prone to cancer.  One group of mice drank the human equivalent of one or two cups of coffee (caffeine laced water). Another group voluntarily ran on an exercise wheel, and a third drank the caffeine and ran.  The drink-and-run group burned off the most precancerous cells thus insuring better health.

“We’re mystified as to why the ‘Red Bull and a dash’ group did so well,” said researcher Polly Cantilever.  “I’ve personally done a drink and run thing on Friday nights at the bar which has helped me avoid unwanted pregnancy.  I never guessed espresso and my sprint to the car on mornings was doing so much good for my health!”

Consumer advocate and whistle-blower Ralph Nader was less than enthusiastic.  “We’re all going to die anyway,” said Nader.  “Until the federal government changes its policy on global warming it’s all moot.”

The results of the study appear in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences and in the back of Mad Magazine.

©  2007 Inebriated Press

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