Monthly Archives: August 2007

#1 Mississippi Beats #3 Alabama at the Trough

Mississippi is fattest U.S. state, beating out Alabama and West Virginia

Inebriated Press
August 31, 2007

Mississippians celebrated a number one ranking this week.  Listed as the state with the most overweight people they declared a State holiday and went out for barbeque.  The University of Mississippi “Ole Miss” football program last won a national championship in 1962 and is ranked 46th in the nation in NCAA football for 2007, but that hasn’t dampened their appetite.  “We kicked Alabama’s ass when it comes to pigging out and beefing up,” said Eli Manning a pro football player who helped lead the Rebels to a 10-3 record and a Cotton Bowl championship in 2003.  “It’s tough that ESPN ranks us below Alabama in NCAA football this year but they came in third on the Most Obese Chart, so we out-ate them and that counts.”

According to a study released this week, obesity rates ranged from more than 17 percent in Colorado to more than 30 percent in Mississippi.  “All the state’s are competing aggressively, said Weighty Tome, executive director of the nonprofit Fat Trust Report.  “We’ve seen a dramatic increase in obesity throughout the country.  No state is out of the running if they just eat an extra bite or sit on their ass a few more minutes each day.”

But not everyone thinks the higher level of obesity is good.  “Poor nutrition and physical inactivity are robbing America of health and productivity,” said Dr. Heather Beanpole, nutritionist and general wet blanket.  “The rate of childhood obesity has more than tripled from 1980 to 2004.  Approximately 25 million children are now either obese or overweight.  They’re killing themselves.”

There is little dispute over what is causing the epidemic.  “It seems that the cheapest foods are those that are the worst for you,” said Dr. Mark N. Timme, president of the Bob Wood Big Johnson Foundation, which helped pay for the report and is hoping for a lot of royalty payments.  “People eat cheap and fast and plump up like gangbusters.  Maybe if they were more sexually active it would help.” 

Mississippians aren’t buying it.  “I’m active enough when and where and how I want to be,” said Shirley U. Jeste.  “We got a number one ranking, we got plenty of damn good BBQ and if I can get season tickets to Ole Miss Football, things couldn’t be better.  Tell them folks with the study that they can kiss my big ole ass if they’re not too pale and weak from lack of sustenance.”

In other news its been announced that the Mississippi Rebels play the Alabama Crimson Tide on October 13 at Vaught Hemingway Stadium and only serious fans and BBQ eaters will be allowed in the stadium.

© 2007

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NASA’s Lightsaber Defense Strategy

Fearing attack NASA plans launch with Luke Skywalker

Inebriated Press
August 31, 2007

When the space shuttle Discovery launches the STS-120 astronaut crew in October, Luke Skywalker and his Lightsaber will be with them.  NASA officials say they’ve picked up radio traffic from space that indicates Darth Vader may have plans to attack the International Space Station and think that only Luke and his Lightsaber can protect the mission.  Others think NASA staff have lost their minds and since ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak filed an insanity plea for accosting a romantic rival and shooting pepper spray at her, Vegas oddsmakers say it’s an even bet.

Stowed onboard the orbiter, in addition to a new module for the Space Station, will be the original Lightsaber used by actor Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker in the 1977 film “Star Wars”.  Hamill refused to make the trip so NASA will be using a Skywalker stand-in known only as “Bob”.  His last name was withheld pending psychological evaluation.  Meanwhile, Lisa Nowak filed notice in court this week saying she was insane when she stalked Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman and drove hundreds of miles from Texas to Florida before accosting Shipman at Orlando International Airport in February.  She says she really meant to mail the pepper spray so Shipman could use it on her salad, but the drive was so enjoyable that she kept going.  She says it was a nutty thing to have done.  The relationship between the Skywalker plan and the Nowak case is sketchy but the insanity link appears strong.

Space Center Houston, as the official visitor center for NASA’s Johnson Space Center, plans to publicly display the Lightsaber through Labor Day, after which it will be prepared for its launch from the Kennedy Space Center in Florida.  Also over Labor Day weekend, Lisa Nowak and Colleen Shipman will be competing against one another in a World Wrestling Federation (WWF) event called “Spaced Out and Beyond: Splashdown Smashdown; NASA Babes Go At It.”

NASA Administrator Mike Griffin said he was sure that the Labor Day weekend activities would go well and that if Darth Vader does show up at the Space Station someone will kick his butt.  “I’m wishing Lisa would have stayed with NASA,” Griffin said stirring a poached egg with an onion.  “She was the toughest S.O.B. in the Agency before she went bonkers.”

Unnamed NASA communication specialists say the actual radio transmission referred to Ralph Nader saying he was against the Space Station and that it was not Darth Vader.  Griffin says Lisa could have kicked his ass too.

In other news, U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid plans to fly the Millennium Falcon to Infinity and Beyond and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has signed a contract to appear nude in Archaeology Today.  President Bush is currently out to lunch.

© 2007

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Bush Hails Iraq Political Deal, Says Less Killing Would be Good

Some Iraqi leaders agree, some don’t

Inebriated Press
August 30, 2007

U.S. President George W. Bush welcomed a reconciliation agreement among Iraqi leaders this week, but warned that much work remained.  Kurdish politicians said it was worth a try, Shia’s said it might work and Sunni’s applauded the goals in the agreement.  Each of the sect leaders agreed that deep down unless they were in power and all competing philosophical and religious views had been crushed, they really didn’t give a shit. 

“We’ve been killing each other senselessly for over a thousand years because each of us knows we have the inside track to the Muslim faith and that makes us more religious and better able to rule the world than the other,” said Taki Al-Hashish an Iraqi politician known by his sect for never making a mistake.  “Secretly everybody is aware that it’s our sect that has it right and once we implement Bingo we’ll control the worlds religions and ultimately planet earth.”

Not everyone agrees with Al-Hashish and that seems to be part of the regions problems.  “He’s full of shit,” said Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sisterbarbi, an influential Shia leader and secret WWF fan.  “I’ve tried to reason with the dumb bastard but he just doesn’t get it.  He knows he has it all wrong and while his sect has done a good job killing many of my clan – and I have to admit I appreciate a group that does a good job of killing competing clan member s – that still hasn’t convinced me to go along with his views.”

Killing one another to convince those left alive to change how they believe is a time honored tradition that’s been passed down over the years throughout the Middle East.  “It’s not that they’re bad people,” said Muqtada al-Sadr, local cleric and terrorist fighting basically anyone trying to organize peace in Iraq.  “We just disagree with them so they deserve to die.  It’s not a big deal really, everyone has traditions.  Most Americans and Europeans don’t accept my faith as their own and naturally that means that they deserve to die too.  It’ll probably take a while but deep down Al Qaeda has it right and we should kill all the infidels in the world.  But I have to admit I don’t believe in everything Bin Laden has said or done and will probably kill him someday too, god willing.”

In welcoming the agreement President Bush said he felt hopeful.  “These leaders recognize that true and meaningful reconciliation needs to take place and I have confidence in them,” said Mr. Bush with his fingers crossed behind his back as he stood close to a recently installed 50 foot high lightening rod.  “Now if they’ll just stop killing each other long enough to actually behave like they recognize it, we can make some progress.  I see this as an important step.”

In other news, John Kerry announced today that he’s thankful he didn’t get elected President in 2004 even though he was looking forward to riding on Air Force One.

© 2007

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China Blames U.S. For its Faulty Products

Capitalists to blame for Communist product recalls

Inebriated Press
August 30, 2007

China strongly defended the quality of its exports this week, saying the problems were a result of faulty U.S. designs not Chinese workmanship.  “We stole the U.S. patents in good faith and produced them with precise amounts of lead, asbestos and antifreeze as recommended by our engineers to meet the American designs,” said Mi Chaingang, head of China’s quality control and prison system.  “The recent recalls are due to bad capitalist designs faithfully reproduced by honorable communists following respected sweatshop rules.”  The U.S. admits that some of the designs are of U.S. origin.

“We did design some of the faulty products and also had some bad concepts and questionable ideas,” said Mattel CEO Bob Eckert.  “But we didn’t want them used.  We threw them away and our janitors carried them to dumpsters located behind our R&D office.  We didn’t think the Chinese would go through our trash but when we saw them introduce a product we rejected called ‘Barbie’s Flaming Wheel of Death,’ we should have realized that something was going on.” 

Earlier this month, Mattel Inc. recalled almost 19 million Chinese-made dolls, cars and action figures because they were contaminated with lead paint or contained small, powerful magnets that children might swallow and end up with their bodies stuck against refrigerators.  Mi says Mattel and other capitalist companies like them created all the problems and it wasn’t the fault of honorable Red Chinese Communists and future Chinese Olympic champions.

“We will crush the capitalist yahoos at the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games and then they will know that we are the more powerful and healthy country,” said Mi.  “They’ll stop returning our toys because it poisons their children once they see how lead eating Chinese children of the respected communist regime kick the badly designed American capitalist asses.”

In other news, Adidas is introducing a line of Olympic clothing produced with a special blend of asbestos cloth colored with lead based stain.  Reportedly it was the result of U.S. based designers and Chinese manufacturers.

© 2007

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First Lady has Pinched Nerve, Causes Lunar Eclipse

Brings out astronomers and goddess worshipers

Inebriated Press
August 29, 2007

First Lady Laura Bush suffered from a pinched nerve in her neck and shoulder area on Tuesday and the earth cast its shadow across the moon.  Her physicians advised her not to travel and 89 percent of the worlds astronomers converted to astrologers when the earth and moon collaborated unexpectedly to create the eclipse.  “This was no accident,” said astronomer Charles Babbage, founding member of the Astronomical Society of London.  “Rarely has anyone named Laura caused an eclipse of any kind.  If I hadn’t died in 1871 this would scare the shit out of me.”

The eclipse was visible in both North and South America beginning at 0851 UTC and ending at 1224 UTC.  The injury to Laura occurred while she was hiking in Zion National Park in Utah.  The White House didn’t disclose the injury initially because they didn’t know it would affect the first lady’s public schedule or the earth and moon.

“Deities fitting the modern conception of Mother Earth or the Roman moon goddess Luna and having special powers have been revered in many societies through to modern times,” said Archie Graham, noted historian, doctor and former baseball player.  “Only recently has Laura Bush developed influence over the planets and been considered a deity and worshiped.  I think she’s a babe myself and can’t stop thinking about her.”

Mystics say that an earth goddess named Wilayah stems from Iran’s Muslim religion and that Laura has a striking resemblance to her.  CIA insiders leaked a report that said because of the similarity, “Lucky” Ahmadinejad, wife of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is seriously considering worshiping Laura Bush just to get under his skin.  “He’s becoming a pain in the ass,” Mrs. Ahmadinejad reportedly told her hair dresser earlier this month.  “Roaming the house moaning about the slow progress of the nuclear program; trying to raise more funds to support the insurgents in Iraq; supporting the women-haters in Afghanistan.  We never go out anymore.  I’ve had it up to here.”

Some health care professionals think that President George W. Bush’ constant exposure to Laura’s natural beauty and sex appeal is driving him crazy.  Others believe that Bush comes by it naturally. 

In other news, lunar deity Raquel Welch is over sixty and still eclipses many in the “still hot” category.

© 2007

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Taliban Crabby as US Destroys Their Heroin Lab

Says Allah will level disease on American infidels for harming drug business

Inebriated Press
August 29, 2007

Taliban gunmen clashed with U.S. and Afghan troops in southern Afghanistan this week after coalition forces destroyed a heroin laboratory they were guarding.  Mullah Mohammed Omar the current Taliban chief and lead jihad drug dealer said that the U.S. made a big mistake and that Allah would give the U.S. infidels crabs and STD’s for the atrocity.  General Richard Cody, the Army Vice Chief of Staff said that Allah was just fine with it and no crabs or STD’s were forthcoming.

“We’re not too concerned about Allah stepping in and leveling disease on us for blowing up these religious leaders drug business,” said General Cody, crossing himself and kissing the ring of a chaplain sitting next to him.  “When you get right down to it the Almighty doesn’t seem all that impressed with these drug pushers who make women wear sacks over their heads and ban them from all forms of education.”

The site, near the town of Musa Qalah in Helmand province, contained large amounts of opium-processing chemicals as well as weapons, ammunition and bomb-making equipment. 

Mullah Omar doesn’t see it the way General Cody does.  “These infidels support removing the tarps off of the heads of women during mild 120 degree days and think they should learn to read too,” said Omar mercifully popping a cap into the back of a Western journalist’s head rather than cutting it off with a dull blade.  “And they want to harm the drug dealing that we use to support our religious bomb making and missionary efforts to destroy non-radical believers.  This is against conservative Muslim religion.  The Americans are infidel dogs who should be killed and maimed or at the very least have a bad case of crabs.  God willing they will be catching something soon.”

More than 90 percent of the world’s opium, the raw material for heroin, is produced in Afghanistan, where it generates more than $3 billion a year for farmers and traffickers, according to the United Nations.  Revenue from the sale of illegal drugs is being used to finance the insurgency in Afghanistan.  Britain has been in charge of NATO’s drug-reduction program, but it has failed to make headway.

A member of The Revolutionary Association of Women of Afghanistan, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said that she is okay with the destruction of the drugs and almost all Taliban men.  “Islam means the submission of humankind to the will of God, not the submission of women to the will of men or the Taliban,” she said.  “God willing the American’s will kick their ass.” 

In other news, medical experts say god has willed that the Taliban’s Mullah Mohammed Omar get the crabs and according to a new Gallup Poll 99% of the women in the Middle East support that will.

© 2007

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Democracy Hijacked by History

Assholes of the Middle East

Inebriated Press
August 28, 2007

The National Intelligence Estimate on Iraq was issued by the nation’s top intel agencies in Washington D.C. last week.  It said that Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki can’t broker a deal with the countries warring factions and that an already screwed up government will become even more messed up in the coming months.  President Bush said it’s best to ignore the news and keep going the way we are and Republican Senator John Warner of Virginia said the U.S. should cut and run for the hills.  Democrats who think pacifying terrorists is a good strategy back Warner but think a run to the plains is best.  Republicans who are tiring of the Iraq problem increasingly believe that nuclear holocaust is a “practical” option. 

“It’s time to face facts,” said an unnamed CIA source wearing a paper bag over his head to hide his identity.  “Most of the influential people in the Middle East are assholes and they like to kill one another for sport and blame it on religion and government.  How else do you explain the way locals play games with the heads of dead animals and use explosives to kill time and themselves on a quiet afternoon?  Random acts of violence and occasional spirited maiming and killing is their ideal view of democracy and freedom.  It’s a shame that those who want peace can’t just move to Mexico and slip across the border into the US, but only terrorists and meat packing workers have that option.”

Iraqi Prime Minister Al-Maliki says if the U.S. really wants out of his country that Iraq can “find friends elsewhere” – almost certainly a reference to Iran.  He’s playing all sides.  Partly trying to screw with the U.S., partly to mess with Iran and partly to screw with the warring factions in is own country.  How do you govern when your head is used as a target for reasons of religion, politics and just plain for fun?  It’s not easy.

“I smoke grass, drink Bourbon and pray a lot,” said Al-Maliki during a recent interview with Hustler Magazine.  “I keep checking the mail to see if I’ve won Publishers Clearing House.  If Ed McMahon shows up at my door, I’m out of here!”

Intelligence experts say it’s a fact of life that dealing with oil funded morons with delusions of grandeur like Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is tricky.  “These guys think like the mullahs of the First Century and want to rule the world,” said a CIA operative using the name Skippy Jones.  “They arm, fund and teach jihad to yahoos who have no other education and have been roaming the desert without decent hats or sport utility vehicles.  The old line ‘kill them all and let God sort them out’ is starting to make a lot of sense to some of us in the intel community.”

But Iran’s Ahmadinejad says that the West has it all wrong.  “We are misunderstood.  We want peace just like everyone else,” said Ahmadinejad stroking a miniature surface to air missile next to his chair.  “That’s why obtaining nuclear weapons is so important to us.  We hope to use them to enable the West to understand and accept the fact that the Jewish Holocaust never happened and that our intention to rule the world is peaceful.  We love all people who believe the way I do and remain tolerant of those who don’t for a good 48 hours before we shoot or behead them.”

In other news, Hillary Rodham Clinton says that if she’s elected President she’ll take a hard look at Iraq before doing something else.

© 2007

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