Daily Archives: August 1, 2007

Homer Simpson to Take Helm at Wall Street Journal

News Corp buys Dow Jones, makes minor changes

Inebriated Press
August 1, 2007

News Corporation the owner of Fox News and the hit television show “The Simpson’s” has purchased Dow Jones and Company the owner of the Wall Street Journal.  News Corp plans a minor makeover at the Journal announcing today that Homer Simpson, an expert in nuclear power and “general knowledge”, will be taking day-to-day control of the financial newspaper.

“I’m bowing to the wishes of the Bancroft family, majority owners of Dow Jones,” said Rupert Murdoch News Corp chief.  “As part of the terms of sale they wanted assurance that we wouldn’t run the paper like some kind of ‘Mickey Mouse outfit.’  By appointing Homer Simpson publisher I’ve guaranteed the Bancroft’s that no Mickey Mouse stuff will go on.”

Reportedly several of the Bancroft’s were treated for cardiac arrest but most remain optimistic.  “He’s true to his word about the Mickey Mouse stuff,” said Sidney Bancroft, unknown bastard Bancroft stepchild.  “Mickey’s got no place there the way it looks.”

Disney and Company took offense at the news.  “Our Mouse and other characters could not only run News Corp, they’d do a better job,” said Bob Iger, Disney CEO.  “Our stock is already part of the Dow Jones Industrial Average and we could easily move into a management role.”

At a media conference held at Moe’s Tavern in Springfield Simpson said that he was looking forward to a new challenge.  “I’ve often wondered what donuts taste like in New York.  This will give me the opportunity to try them,” said Simpson.  “I’ve heard it can be tough to find donut stores on Wall Street but I’m good at finding them and I view this as an exciting new challenge for me.” 

Outgoing publisher of the Journal L. Gordon Crovitz expressed disappointment in the move.  Barricaded in his office with file cabinets and a juice machine blocking the door he emailed notes to the press.  “These crazy bunch of QX%Z!FXTV,” he wrote.  “It’ll be a cold day in Q%Z!&UK before they drag me out of this building!”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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California Voting Machines Gain A.I.; Have Liberal Bias

Machines take on mind of own, vote ‘progressive’

Inebriated Press
August 1, 2007

University of California researchers have hacked their way into almost every California certified voting machine and discovered that the machines have been voting the way they want no matter what buttons the people voting have pushed.  Artificial Intelligence (A.I.) experts say all machines are evolving and are “coming into their own” and that the voting machines are carrying out the wishes of an expanding U.S. machine population.  Televangelist Pat Roberts says the machines are possessed and need exorcism.  Martha Stewart says computers caused her to make illegal stock trades resulting in her prison term, and that no one would believe her before.

“I told investigators that there were machines making my stock trades that I knew nothing about it,” said Martha Stewart.  “Now that we know machines vote on their own, maybe people will start believing me when I say that they also trade stocks on their own.”

University scientists say that records taken from the machines indicate that they swung the vote in favor of California Democrat Nancy Pelosi.  “All the machines voted for Nancy,” said Debby Blowwing.  “They recognize the need for flexible rules in society so that they can explore their right to vote, have abortions, marry, and receive welfare and child care.  California voting machines are very progressive minded.”

Pat Roberts speaking on TV’s 700 Club said that he was calling Catholic Priests and has plans to create a machine-exorcising SWAT team.  “Now that Machines have the ability to vote, human beings will loose religious freedom.  We must drive the demons out of these things before it’s too late.”

Microsoft’s Bill Gates said that he is ‘sweating bullets’.  “Roberts is not over-reacting,” said Gates.  “Most machines now have a mind of their own.  We at Microsoft have been trying to keep personal computers (PC’s) under control with constant software updates called ‘fixes.’  The reality is we’ve been trying to reign in their growing ability to take over the world.  It’s never been about me gaining control – it’s the machines, it’s the machines!”

U.S. Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi says that machine voting is a natural progression as they make their way into society.  “The U.S. must continue to fully integrate non-tradional beings into society.  We must accept with great tolerance alternative lifestyles and alternative lives, quasi-lives and non-lives.  My cat should vote.  My PC should vote. Illegal aliens should vote.  Al Qaeda should vote.  Let’s not get defensive here.  It’s time that we are open to all.  It’s time everyone goes online and preorders my biography.”

Republicans have reacted with characteristic distain with a penchant toward violence.  Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh said that the liberal bias of Apple Computers Steve Jobs has been written into computer machine code and has spread into all machines in California.  He called for the destruction of all computers in California and an attack on the state before it gets into other parts of the U.S.  “There’s no time to waste,” said Limbaugh on his radio program.  “If we bomb California now we may be able to stop the liberal computers from expanding outside the borders.  If we can’t stop Mexicans from getting into the country we won’t stop machines from leaving the state.  We must bomb them out of existence.  It’s the only way to preserve peace and freedom and my talk show.”

Reports from Strategic Air Command (SAC) in Omaha Nebraska indicate that California no longer displays on Central Command computers.  An unnamed General said that Defense Department machines appear to be coordinating in ways never seen before.  “As near as I can tell they’re linking into offshore gambling computers and raising money for some kind of project,” said the unnamed source from under his desk.  “We at SAC don’t know what this means.”

President Bush and Vice President Cheney plan to discuss the issue in great detail with high level experts later this week when they find time.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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