Homer Simpson to Take Helm at Wall Street Journal

News Corp buys Dow Jones, makes minor changes

Inebriated Press
August 1, 2007

News Corporation the owner of Fox News and the hit television show “The Simpson’s” has purchased Dow Jones and Company the owner of the Wall Street Journal.  News Corp plans a minor makeover at the Journal announcing today that Homer Simpson, an expert in nuclear power and “general knowledge”, will be taking day-to-day control of the financial newspaper.

“I’m bowing to the wishes of the Bancroft family, majority owners of Dow Jones,” said Rupert Murdoch News Corp chief.  “As part of the terms of sale they wanted assurance that we wouldn’t run the paper like some kind of ‘Mickey Mouse outfit.’  By appointing Homer Simpson publisher I’ve guaranteed the Bancroft’s that no Mickey Mouse stuff will go on.”

Reportedly several of the Bancroft’s were treated for cardiac arrest but most remain optimistic.  “He’s true to his word about the Mickey Mouse stuff,” said Sidney Bancroft, unknown bastard Bancroft stepchild.  “Mickey’s got no place there the way it looks.”

Disney and Company took offense at the news.  “Our Mouse and other characters could not only run News Corp, they’d do a better job,” said Bob Iger, Disney CEO.  “Our stock is already part of the Dow Jones Industrial Average and we could easily move into a management role.”

At a media conference held at Moe’s Tavern in Springfield Simpson said that he was looking forward to a new challenge.  “I’ve often wondered what donuts taste like in New York.  This will give me the opportunity to try them,” said Simpson.  “I’ve heard it can be tough to find donut stores on Wall Street but I’m good at finding them and I view this as an exciting new challenge for me.” 

Outgoing publisher of the Journal L. Gordon Crovitz expressed disappointment in the move.  Barricaded in his office with file cabinets and a juice machine blocking the door he emailed notes to the press.  “These crazy bunch of QX%Z!FXTV,” he wrote.  “It’ll be a cold day in Q%Z!&UK before they drag me out of this building!”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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