Daily Archives: August 2, 2007

Russians Capture North Pole; Christmas and Oil Reserves at Risk

Canadians planned counter-offensive but dozed off

Inebriated Press
August 2, 2007

Russian military/explorers dove below the North Pole in two nuclear powered submarines and planted a national flag on the seabed claiming the North Pole and all of its energy and Christmas assets as their own.  Weathering an attack by reindeer and Santa’s Elves the Russians shrugged off the defensive and captured the territory.  Local inhabitant, Santa Claus, also known by the alias Kris Kringle, radioed Canadian authorities for assistance in quelling the Russian invasion, but Canadian Mounties had just eaten a heavy meal and had fallen asleep.

“Our flag is there and we claim the territory of the North Pole as our own,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin.  “We have staked our claim and the world must accept the fact that the North Pole is Russian.  Santa, the Elves and all North Pole oil and gas reserves will be assimilated into Russia and our culture.” 

Canadian Foreign Minister Peter MacKay scoffed at the notion.  “So our guys fell asleep,” he said.  “So what.  This isn’t the 15th century where explorers wander around planting flags and saying that the territory is theirs.  This is nonsense.”

Putin disagreed.  “You snooze you lose.  The North Pole is ours and we’re holding Santa hostage,” said Putin.  “You hassle us over this and Christmas as you know it is over.”

The U.N. Security Council met in a hastily arranged emergency session to discuss the Russian action.  The U.S. pressed the Council to issue a statement calling the Russians naughty and ordering them to leave Santa alone, but the effort was blocked by the Russian Ambassador.  Reportedly he thumbed his nose at U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad and made obscene gestures involving sock puppets and cauliflower.

A statement issued by U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said that there was nothing the U.N. could do.  “We have no unified Santa Claus Defense Plan or rules about the use of sock puppets.  Our hands are tied.”

U.N. Ambassador de La Sabliere of France offered to negotiate a trade with the Russians whereby they would give the North Pole back to Santa in exchange for complete control of the Middle East.  The proposal was frowned upon by both China and the U.S. but even then it didn’t appeal to Russia.  “No one has complete control of the Middle East, not even the Middle East,” said Russian Ambassador Vitali Churkin.  “Canada and the North Pole-Santa situation are much easier for us to manage.”

Shortly after lunch and a nap, Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper announced that the Canadian Government had established a fund to support an underground Elve resistance.  “I am announcing today a commitment of $25 dollars to Santa’s Elves’ Resistance,” said P.M. Harper.  “This is not a time to sit on the ice and reflect.  We should probably try and do something.”

A media release issued by Canada’s Department of National Defense (DND) said that the entire Royal Canadian Air Force was “awake, on high alert and prepared to act” in the event that Russia continued its offensive and sought to capture parts of Canada’s provinces.  “All five of our fighter planes and both pilots are on the ready,” said the report.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Google to Purchase the United Nations

Will fund world domination with advertising

Inebriated Press
August 2, 2007

Google announced today that it’s making a bid for the United Nations and plans to eliminate all member-nations funding requirements.  “We will fund all UN-Google activity with advertising in respective government publications – paper, plastic or website,” said Google founder Sergey Brin.  “We control the world’s information; we may as well take over management of the United Nations and improve its performance as well as leverage the potential advertising assets.”

Google says this is simply another step in their plan to “do good” in the world.  Citing a public statement Google made during its Initial Public Offering (IPO) in 2004 Brin said, “We continue to aspire to make Google an institution that ‘makes the world a better place’.  What better way to do that than to take over management of the worlds affairs and save the nations tons of money at the same time?”

Former U.S. National Security Advisor and noted foreign policy expert Henry Kissinger said it’s a good idea.  “This makes the most sense of any proposal that I’ve heard,” said Kissinger from his bathtub early this morning.  “The U.N. is screwed up, it’s costly and inefficient.  What Sergi and Larry have done to information they can do to the U.N.  Besides if they mess up who could tell the difference?”

United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said it may be too late for Google to make the move.  “The U.N. is currently negotiating its sale to the Chinese,” said Ki-moon.  “We’re in exclusive talks.  If the Google boys wanted to buy us out they should have acted sooner.  The Chinese already own a large part of global industry and have a financial war chest in addition to nuclear weapons.  For Google to make an adequate attempt at a U.N. takeover they’ll need more than money and a cute logo, they should at least have some form of credible military threat.”

Google’s Larry Page feels that they don’t need nuclear power to take over the U.N. but will access it as necessary.  “Today we can buy virtually any country or shut down and rearrange most of the world’s communication infrastructure if we want to,” said Page.  “But if that’s not enough to impress Ki-moon then he should look at the recent North Korean missile launches.  We actually initiated the launches using a Beta version of our new z-Google-Nuke platform.  You don’t really think that Kim Jong-il in his funky jump suit has a clue how to launch that stuff do you?”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average moved higher in response to news of the possible Google-UN takeover.  Google shares were up 25%.  Military-Industrial stocks slipped and Asian financial markets were mixed.  Financial analysts say the U.N. takeover by Google would be good for the company and the free world. 

“Clearly the proposed Google takeover of the U.N. would generate positive earnings for Google and massive savings for all of the U.N. nation-members,” said Hugie Mantlebaum, investment banker at Mattel.  “This would drive all member-nations GDP to record levels and offset the growing control of China over global industry and the financial environment.  Except for Chinese, who can complain about that?”

In other news — Martha Stewart baked a cake, Rosie O’Donnell is pissed off, and Vladimir Putin feels left out.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Filed under Humor, Imbibers' Choice, IP News