Google to Purchase the United Nations

Will fund world domination with advertising

Inebriated Press
August 2, 2007

Google announced today that it’s making a bid for the United Nations and plans to eliminate all member-nations funding requirements.  “We will fund all UN-Google activity with advertising in respective government publications – paper, plastic or website,” said Google founder Sergey Brin.  “We control the world’s information; we may as well take over management of the United Nations and improve its performance as well as leverage the potential advertising assets.”

Google says this is simply another step in their plan to “do good” in the world.  Citing a public statement Google made during its Initial Public Offering (IPO) in 2004 Brin said, “We continue to aspire to make Google an institution that ‘makes the world a better place’.  What better way to do that than to take over management of the worlds affairs and save the nations tons of money at the same time?”

Former U.S. National Security Advisor and noted foreign policy expert Henry Kissinger said it’s a good idea.  “This makes the most sense of any proposal that I’ve heard,” said Kissinger from his bathtub early this morning.  “The U.N. is screwed up, it’s costly and inefficient.  What Sergi and Larry have done to information they can do to the U.N.  Besides if they mess up who could tell the difference?”

United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said it may be too late for Google to make the move.  “The U.N. is currently negotiating its sale to the Chinese,” said Ki-moon.  “We’re in exclusive talks.  If the Google boys wanted to buy us out they should have acted sooner.  The Chinese already own a large part of global industry and have a financial war chest in addition to nuclear weapons.  For Google to make an adequate attempt at a U.N. takeover they’ll need more than money and a cute logo, they should at least have some form of credible military threat.”

Google’s Larry Page feels that they don’t need nuclear power to take over the U.N. but will access it as necessary.  “Today we can buy virtually any country or shut down and rearrange most of the world’s communication infrastructure if we want to,” said Page.  “But if that’s not enough to impress Ki-moon then he should look at the recent North Korean missile launches.  We actually initiated the launches using a Beta version of our new z-Google-Nuke platform.  You don’t really think that Kim Jong-il in his funky jump suit has a clue how to launch that stuff do you?”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average moved higher in response to news of the possible Google-UN takeover.  Google shares were up 25%.  Military-Industrial stocks slipped and Asian financial markets were mixed.  Financial analysts say the U.N. takeover by Google would be good for the company and the free world. 

“Clearly the proposed Google takeover of the U.N. would generate positive earnings for Google and massive savings for all of the U.N. nation-members,” said Hugie Mantlebaum, investment banker at Mattel.  “This would drive all member-nations GDP to record levels and offset the growing control of China over global industry and the financial environment.  Except for Chinese, who can complain about that?”

In other news — Martha Stewart baked a cake, Rosie O’Donnell is pissed off, and Vladimir Putin feels left out.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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