Russians Capture North Pole; Christmas and Oil Reserves at Risk

Canadians planned counter-offensive but dozed off

Inebriated Press
August 2, 2007

Russian military/explorers dove below the North Pole in two nuclear powered submarines and planted a national flag on the seabed claiming the North Pole and all of its energy and Christmas assets as their own.  Weathering an attack by reindeer and Santa’s Elves the Russians shrugged off the defensive and captured the territory.  Local inhabitant, Santa Claus, also known by the alias Kris Kringle, radioed Canadian authorities for assistance in quelling the Russian invasion, but Canadian Mounties had just eaten a heavy meal and had fallen asleep.

“Our flag is there and we claim the territory of the North Pole as our own,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin.  “We have staked our claim and the world must accept the fact that the North Pole is Russian.  Santa, the Elves and all North Pole oil and gas reserves will be assimilated into Russia and our culture.” 

Canadian Foreign Minister Peter MacKay scoffed at the notion.  “So our guys fell asleep,” he said.  “So what.  This isn’t the 15th century where explorers wander around planting flags and saying that the territory is theirs.  This is nonsense.”

Putin disagreed.  “You snooze you lose.  The North Pole is ours and we’re holding Santa hostage,” said Putin.  “You hassle us over this and Christmas as you know it is over.”

The U.N. Security Council met in a hastily arranged emergency session to discuss the Russian action.  The U.S. pressed the Council to issue a statement calling the Russians naughty and ordering them to leave Santa alone, but the effort was blocked by the Russian Ambassador.  Reportedly he thumbed his nose at U.S. Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad and made obscene gestures involving sock puppets and cauliflower.

A statement issued by U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon said that there was nothing the U.N. could do.  “We have no unified Santa Claus Defense Plan or rules about the use of sock puppets.  Our hands are tied.”

U.N. Ambassador de La Sabliere of France offered to negotiate a trade with the Russians whereby they would give the North Pole back to Santa in exchange for complete control of the Middle East.  The proposal was frowned upon by both China and the U.S. but even then it didn’t appeal to Russia.  “No one has complete control of the Middle East, not even the Middle East,” said Russian Ambassador Vitali Churkin.  “Canada and the North Pole-Santa situation are much easier for us to manage.”

Shortly after lunch and a nap, Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper announced that the Canadian Government had established a fund to support an underground Elve resistance.  “I am announcing today a commitment of $25 dollars to Santa’s Elves’ Resistance,” said P.M. Harper.  “This is not a time to sit on the ice and reflect.  We should probably try and do something.”

A media release issued by Canada’s Department of National Defense (DND) said that the entire Royal Canadian Air Force was “awake, on high alert and prepared to act” in the event that Russia continued its offensive and sought to capture parts of Canada’s provinces.  “All five of our fighter planes and both pilots are on the ready,” said the report.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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