Daily Archives: August 3, 2007

Lawmakers Pass Ethics Bill, Order New Appliances

Law firms optimistic; Frigidaire refrigerator-freezer sales leap

Inebriated Press
August 3, 2007

The U.S. Senate has given approval to a package of ethics and lobbying rules with both the Republicans and Democrats backing the effort.  If President George W. Bush signs the bill into law then a whole new formula of technical ways and means to parse the rules and sidestep them will begin. Law firms in Washington D.C. are excited about the new opportunity.  And in an unusual twist, the Frigidaire Company reports robust sales for custom-made appliances.

“There’s never been a law that we haven’t helped our Congressional customers maneuver around,” said I. R. Wiley II, principal at the WEBE Graft & Partners, a law firm specializing in sidestepping U.S. rules and regulations.  “We’re projecting a 200% increase in revenues within 12 months of this Bill becoming law.”

Others say it will take more than legal maneuvering to avoid some of the new rules.  “The new law will require lawmakers to report my name if I raise $15,000 for them inside of a six-month period,” said Clare Salen a lobbyist for the group, Americans for Illegal Drug Use (AFIDU).  “It’s pretty plain to me that we’ll be dealing a lot more in undisclosed cash.” 

The Frigidaire Company agrees.  “Orders for our specialized refrigerator-freezer with hidden cash-stash compartments have jumped 35% in just the last three weeks,” said Bob Cook, CEO of Frigidaire Home Products.  “Sales to members of Congress has been brisk the last year or so, but have really taken off recently.”

Stashing cash in the freezer was popularized by Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson.  An FBI search of the Congressman’s home freezer in August 2005 turned up $90,000 in cash divided among various frozen food containers.  Congressional leaders who asked to remain unnamed, said that they liked the cold-cash-stash idea but wanted more security.  Frigidaire’s Cook said that some U.S. lawmakers were concerned that their children or spouses may accidentally prepare the money as food thinking that it was leftover casserole.  Others wanted it tougher for the FBI to find and asked for custom designed freezers.

“We’ve devised some pretty ingenious ways to hide currency in our freezing compartments,” said Cook.  “We have several models including the ‘Frigidaire Cash Cache 7-Million’, but most lawmakers prefer custom designs.”

Of the 516 members of Congress who voted on the legislation, 22 of them voted against it.  Lawmakers voting against it have been unwilling to come on the record and have indicated confusion about the bill.  “I voted against it?” asked one confidentially.  “I don’t even remember being there.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Plan in Place to Reduce Hollywood Pigeons and Stupid Starlets

Civic group backs stealth birth control effort

Inebriated Press
August 3, 2007

Civic leaders in Hollywood California believe they have the answer to reducing the pigeon population in the city and the mess that they make.  The answer is a contraceptive for the birds leading to a reduction in population.  Laura Dodson, president of the Argyle Civic Center hopes to expand the effort to include stupid actresses and reduce the mess that they make too.

“We’ve got loads of pigeons and stupid actress crap splattered all over our community,” said Dodson.  “It’s time we reined it in and we think slipping contraceptive products into food will do the trick.”

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) all back the pigeon plan.  The Hollywood Police Department and Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) believe that any effort to stop Britney Spears from additional procreation is worth trying.

“The mess that Britney has caused the environment is unparalleled,” said EPA Administrator Steve Johnson.  “And her ‘semi-clones’ Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are right there with her.  These women are an eco-disaster happening.  Genetic replication of any kind from these people is dangerous to society and the long term health of Hollywood and the U.S. not to mention the global environment.  And I’m not just saying that.”

The Screen Actors Guild took exception to the comments.  “These women are being singled out because they’re actresses of a sort and folks are familiar with them,” said Alan Rosenberg, President of the Guild.  “They shouldn’t be the only targets.  There are nut cases in other industries that should have their genes snuffed out.”

In the coming months, OvoControl P, a birth control product, will be placed in the bird food in new rooftop feeders and in Hollywood salad bars.  Dodson believes that over the next five years the bird population can be shrunk by 50% and over the next twenty years the crazed starlet population can be reduced by 10 to 15%.

“It’s not much,” said Dodson.  “But we have to start somewhere.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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