Lawmakers Pass Ethics Bill, Order New Appliances

Law firms optimistic; Frigidaire refrigerator-freezer sales leap

Inebriated Press
August 3, 2007

The U.S. Senate has given approval to a package of ethics and lobbying rules with both the Republicans and Democrats backing the effort.  If President George W. Bush signs the bill into law then a whole new formula of technical ways and means to parse the rules and sidestep them will begin. Law firms in Washington D.C. are excited about the new opportunity.  And in an unusual twist, the Frigidaire Company reports robust sales for custom-made appliances.

“There’s never been a law that we haven’t helped our Congressional customers maneuver around,” said I. R. Wiley II, principal at the WEBE Graft & Partners, a law firm specializing in sidestepping U.S. rules and regulations.  “We’re projecting a 200% increase in revenues within 12 months of this Bill becoming law.”

Others say it will take more than legal maneuvering to avoid some of the new rules.  “The new law will require lawmakers to report my name if I raise $15,000 for them inside of a six-month period,” said Clare Salen a lobbyist for the group, Americans for Illegal Drug Use (AFIDU).  “It’s pretty plain to me that we’ll be dealing a lot more in undisclosed cash.” 

The Frigidaire Company agrees.  “Orders for our specialized refrigerator-freezer with hidden cash-stash compartments have jumped 35% in just the last three weeks,” said Bob Cook, CEO of Frigidaire Home Products.  “Sales to members of Congress has been brisk the last year or so, but have really taken off recently.”

Stashing cash in the freezer was popularized by Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson.  An FBI search of the Congressman’s home freezer in August 2005 turned up $90,000 in cash divided among various frozen food containers.  Congressional leaders who asked to remain unnamed, said that they liked the cold-cash-stash idea but wanted more security.  Frigidaire’s Cook said that some U.S. lawmakers were concerned that their children or spouses may accidentally prepare the money as food thinking that it was leftover casserole.  Others wanted it tougher for the FBI to find and asked for custom designed freezers.

“We’ve devised some pretty ingenious ways to hide currency in our freezing compartments,” said Cook.  “We have several models including the ‘Frigidaire Cash Cache 7-Million’, but most lawmakers prefer custom designs.”

Of the 516 members of Congress who voted on the legislation, 22 of them voted against it.  Lawmakers voting against it have been unwilling to come on the record and have indicated confusion about the bill.  “I voted against it?” asked one confidentially.  “I don’t even remember being there.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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