Civic group backs stealth birth control effort
August 3, 2007
Civic leaders in Hollywood California believe they have the answer to reducing the pigeon population in the city and the mess that they make. The answer is a contraceptive for the birds leading to a reduction in population. Laura Dodson, president of the Argyle Civic Center hopes to expand the effort to include stupid actresses and reduce the mess that they make too.
“We’ve got loads of pigeons and stupid actress crap splattered all over our community,” said Dodson. “It’s time we reined it in and we think slipping contraceptive products into food will do the trick.”
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) and the Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) all back the pigeon plan. The Hollywood Police Department and Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) believe that any effort to stop Britney Spears from additional procreation is worth trying.
“The mess that Britney has caused the environment is unparalleled,” said EPA Administrator Steve Johnson. “And her ‘semi-clones’ Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are right there with her. These women are an eco-disaster happening. Genetic replication of any kind from these people is dangerous to society and the long term health of Hollywood and the U.S. not to mention the global environment. And I’m not just saying that.”
The Screen Actors Guild took exception to the comments. “These women are being singled out because they’re actresses of a sort and folks are familiar with them,” said Alan Rosenberg, President of the Guild. “They shouldn’t be the only targets. There are nut cases in other industries that should have their genes snuffed out.”
In the coming months, OvoControl P, a birth control product, will be placed in the bird food in new rooftop feeders and in Hollywood salad bars. Dodson believes that over the next five years the bird population can be shrunk by 50% and over the next twenty years the crazed starlet population can be reduced by 10 to 15%.
“It’s not much,” said Dodson. “But we have to start somewhere.”
© 2007 Inebriated Press