Daily Archives: August 6, 2007

30% of Weapons US Shipped to Iraq are Missing

Some traded for iPhones

Inebriated Press
August 6, 2007

A report by the U.S. Government Accountability Office (GAO) says that about 30 percent of all the weapons that the United States military gave to Iraqi forces since 2004 are missing. Among them are 200,000 AK-47 assault rifles, semiautomatic pistols and laser guided squirrels. The GAO report also says that distribution of the weapons has been haphazard and that on occasion they’ve just handed out guns and ammo on street corners after verifying that the recipient was unarmed.

“As part of our approach to democratize the Iraqi’s we’re making sure that everyone who wants a weapon has one,” said General Dick Pynch. “When you’re handing out a lot of weapons at one time like that, it gets hard to keep track of all of them. I can assure the GAO that all the weapons have been distributed to folks who didn’t have any on them.”

Reports have surfaced also indicating that Iraqi’s have been trading stockpiles of weapons to Apple salespeople for iPhones. “I’ve always wanted an AK-47,” said Apple sales rep Julie ‘Hardcore’ Swanson. “And I know Apple programmers who have wanted them. When I learned that some of the Iraqi’s had extra’s I made arrangements to swap them for iPhones that I had hidden in my basement. I don’t think it’s a big deal really.”

The GAO said that rules about weapon distribution were ignored and that the result is an increased risk that some of the weapons are now being used against U.S. troops.

“Apple salespeople are not using these weapons against our troops,” said General Pynch. “I’m pretty sure of that.”

President George W. Bush said that lack of weapons tracking isn’t anything to worry about. “We’ve spent around $19 billion to develop the Iraqi forces so even if we lose a few weapons here and there it’s not a big deal. There are plenty to go around. It’s important that we keep an eye on the big picture. Iraqi’s are gaining democratic freedoms to bear arms, and in some cases lots of them. It’s a sign of progress that we know lots of weapons have been successfully distributed.”

Nancy Pelosi, U.S. Speaker of the House inferred that perhaps the President didn’t clearly understand the situation. “The crazy bastard doesn’t have a clue,” she said at a press conference this morning. “He’s out of touch with any kind of reality. I can scarcely imagine the destruction caused by a laser guided squirrel in the wrong hands.”

Senate majority leader Harry Reid took the President to task for not following Democrat recommendations. “If he’d followed our advice and only issued our troops sling shots and mayonnaise then this kind of thing couldn’t have happened,” said Reid.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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China Changes Family Planning Threats

New slogans about torture and maiming now friendlier

Inebriated Press
August 6, 2007

China Daily reports that family planning slogans like ‘Raise pigs not children or we’ll torture you’ and ‘We’ll burn your house and kill your daughters if you don’t have an abortion’ are going to be replaced by friendlier encouragement involving affection and gender equality.  Some new alternatives include ‘Our loving Mother Earth can’t sustain more kids so pull the plug now’ and ‘We’ll burn your house and kill your daughters and/or sons if you don’t have an abortion’.

Implemented in 1979 Family Planning Policy limits families without strong Communist Party connections to just one child.  This has helped slow the rate of population growth in China.  China’s population reached 1.3 billion in 2005 and the government believes that number would have been reached four years earlier had the policy not been implemented.

“To our great embarrassment good Communists have had sex and children despite policy,” said Fang Day a village leader in Anhui Province.  “I’ve never personally engaged in the disgusting practice and don’t know why others have.  I’m hoping that the new slogans will encourage our people to stop or at least pretend to.”

A circular issued last week by the National Population and Family Planning Commission (NPFPC) said that the old slogans were poorly worded and needed to be changed to have greater effect.  “Slogans have great power in society.  There is a great mystical connection between the slogan and the spoken word,” said NPFPC spokesperson Yu Gonyi.  “Words when read aloud transcend desire and change ones being and actions.  Of course knowing that the authorities will kill you or your family if you don’t obey also has some influence.”

The Commission spelled out new rules for college students as well.  Rules were revised in 2003 to permit students to use the Chinese word for ‘sex’ in the same sentence as the word for ‘people’.  The new rules build on that.  Students will now be allowed to be in the same room with each other when using the word ‘sex’, providing they have a note from a party official.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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