30% of Weapons US Shipped to Iraq are Missing

Some traded for iPhones

Inebriated Press
August 6, 2007

A report by the U.S. Government Accountability Office (GAO) says that about 30 percent of all the weapons that the United States military gave to Iraqi forces since 2004 are missing. Among them are 200,000 AK-47 assault rifles, semiautomatic pistols and laser guided squirrels. The GAO report also says that distribution of the weapons has been haphazard and that on occasion they’ve just handed out guns and ammo on street corners after verifying that the recipient was unarmed.

“As part of our approach to democratize the Iraqi’s we’re making sure that everyone who wants a weapon has one,” said General Dick Pynch. “When you’re handing out a lot of weapons at one time like that, it gets hard to keep track of all of them. I can assure the GAO that all the weapons have been distributed to folks who didn’t have any on them.”

Reports have surfaced also indicating that Iraqi’s have been trading stockpiles of weapons to Apple salespeople for iPhones. “I’ve always wanted an AK-47,” said Apple sales rep Julie ‘Hardcore’ Swanson. “And I know Apple programmers who have wanted them. When I learned that some of the Iraqi’s had extra’s I made arrangements to swap them for iPhones that I had hidden in my basement. I don’t think it’s a big deal really.”

The GAO said that rules about weapon distribution were ignored and that the result is an increased risk that some of the weapons are now being used against U.S. troops.

“Apple salespeople are not using these weapons against our troops,” said General Pynch. “I’m pretty sure of that.”

President George W. Bush said that lack of weapons tracking isn’t anything to worry about. “We’ve spent around $19 billion to develop the Iraqi forces so even if we lose a few weapons here and there it’s not a big deal. There are plenty to go around. It’s important that we keep an eye on the big picture. Iraqi’s are gaining democratic freedoms to bear arms, and in some cases lots of them. It’s a sign of progress that we know lots of weapons have been successfully distributed.”

Nancy Pelosi, U.S. Speaker of the House inferred that perhaps the President didn’t clearly understand the situation. “The crazy bastard doesn’t have a clue,” she said at a press conference this morning. “He’s out of touch with any kind of reality. I can scarcely imagine the destruction caused by a laser guided squirrel in the wrong hands.”

Senate majority leader Harry Reid took the President to task for not following Democrat recommendations. “If he’d followed our advice and only issued our troops sling shots and mayonnaise then this kind of thing couldn’t have happened,” said Reid.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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