Daily Archives: August 7, 2007

Paris, Nicole & Lindsay Driving School

Automakers teach driving skills for the wacked out

Inebriated Press
August 7, 2007

Automakers Ferrari and Volvo have announced driving schools for drunken and drugged up young people designed to help them have fun while avoiding death.  The American Automobile Association (AAA) is wary of the approach but Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) backs the effort.

“There are ways to avoid killing yourself when driving recklessly,” said Willie Blakout of the Ferrari Driving School in Los Angeles.  “Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie have proven that you can drive under the influence of all kinds of stuff, crash your cars and still be okay.  We’ve distilled the essence of their terrific driving skills and are now able to teach this to others.”

AAA executive Valery “Vary” Scarey said it’s not a good idea.  “We like driving and drivers of all kinds, but our concern about this approach is that it still risks harming other drivers on the road.  We appreciate some of the training techniques like how to see through the windshield after you’ve thrown up on it and stuff like that.  But we still question the overall quality of the teaching.”

“AAA is just a bunch of just sour grapes,” said an unnamed official claiming to be connected to AA.  “They’ve been smarting over our use of the letter A for a long time now.”

Volvo said that they started building the safest automobiles in the industry specifically for drivers like Paris, Nicole and Lindsay.  “The fact is if you’re going to be driving when you’re all hopped up on drugs and alcohol the day will come when you crash,” said Leif Johansson CEO of the Volvo Group.  “And when that day comes you’ll be safest in a Volvo.”

Ferrari has criticized the Volvo driving school.  “Sure closing your eyes and relaxing when going into an uncontrolled crash does result in fewer broken bones,” said Ferrari’s Willie Blakout.  “But that doesn’t constitute a driving class.  Turn the darn wheel once in a while for crying out loud.  You might not hit something until you’ve gone another block farther!”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Chinese Satellites to Ensure Safe Food at 2008 Olympics

Space lasers to zap bacteria and other ‘threats’

Inebriated Press
August 7, 2007

China announced on Monday that it will use satellites to ensure food safety at the 2008 Beijing Olympics by ‘firing lasers at offending bacteria’ that threaten good hygiene or Chinese gold medals.  This has U.S. athletes pondering the recent use of the term ‘bacteria’ in the sports section of Chinese newspapers where it has been used to describe non-Chinese competitors.  International Olympic Committee officials are waiting for their checks from China to clear the banking system before commenting. 

Wang Wei, an executive vice president of the Beijing Olympic Committee, said the high-tech system will monitor food production, processing factories and food hygiene during the games to ensure it meets standards.  “We will be monitoring all aspects of the food system during the Olympic games,” said Wei.  “Only proper amounts of antifreeze and asbestos will be allowed in athletes’ food, and then in an athlete or country specific way.  This will ensure good health and acceptable medal performance.”

Angus “Aye” Korumba a Scottish official who has studied food safety and athletic competition for many years said that the approach was suspect and he questioned the Chinese motives.  Aye Korumba was in China to review production of ping pong tables and talked with reporters after China’s announcement.  “I don feel teez bastards kan be trused,” said Korumba before he suddenly disappeared.  “I feel … yowza!”

Korumba’s disappearance seemed unusual to reporters at the time, but Chinese officials said there was nothing to worry about.  “Mysterious disappearance is quite common in China,” said Hu Yu Kidin, Chinese director of missing persons.  “It’s no big thing.  We are quite comfortable that it is not unusual.”

China says most food products and athletes’ will be affixed with laser tracking chips referred to as an ‘Olympic food safety logistics code’.  The entire tracking process will then be monitored for proper performance by Chinese Olympic officials. 

In a statement released to the press early Tuesday, Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao said, “We are pleased to host the Olympic events and hope to use tag and track devises to show our good will and good management.  It is our hope that all peoples will allow us to help them and their societies by accepting and wearing laser tracking tags.  Don’t worry, we are your friends.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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