Paris, Nicole & Lindsay Driving School

Automakers teach driving skills for the wacked out

Inebriated Press
August 7, 2007

Automakers Ferrari and Volvo have announced driving schools for drunken and drugged up young people designed to help them have fun while avoiding death.  The American Automobile Association (AAA) is wary of the approach but Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) backs the effort.

“There are ways to avoid killing yourself when driving recklessly,” said Willie Blakout of the Ferrari Driving School in Los Angeles.  “Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie have proven that you can drive under the influence of all kinds of stuff, crash your cars and still be okay.  We’ve distilled the essence of their terrific driving skills and are now able to teach this to others.”

AAA executive Valery “Vary” Scarey said it’s not a good idea.  “We like driving and drivers of all kinds, but our concern about this approach is that it still risks harming other drivers on the road.  We appreciate some of the training techniques like how to see through the windshield after you’ve thrown up on it and stuff like that.  But we still question the overall quality of the teaching.”

“AAA is just a bunch of just sour grapes,” said an unnamed official claiming to be connected to AA.  “They’ve been smarting over our use of the letter A for a long time now.”

Volvo said that they started building the safest automobiles in the industry specifically for drivers like Paris, Nicole and Lindsay.  “The fact is if you’re going to be driving when you’re all hopped up on drugs and alcohol the day will come when you crash,” said Leif Johansson CEO of the Volvo Group.  “And when that day comes you’ll be safest in a Volvo.”

Ferrari has criticized the Volvo driving school.  “Sure closing your eyes and relaxing when going into an uncontrolled crash does result in fewer broken bones,” said Ferrari’s Willie Blakout.  “But that doesn’t constitute a driving class.  Turn the darn wheel once in a while for crying out loud.  You might not hit something until you’ve gone another block farther!”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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