Daily Archives: August 8, 2007

Strippers Petition to Paw Patrons

Politicians back hands-on approach

Inebriated Press
August 8, 2007

The Cincinnati Enquirer reports that strip club dancers are out in mass seeking signatures on a petition to stop an Ohio law that prohibits dancers from touching patrons.  Without a change the law is slated to take effect on September 4th and both Republican and Democrat lawmakers are ‘all over it’.

“I am a strong supporter of the strippers’ rights to grab and feel whomever they want,” said Democrat Senator Filert “Feely” Hardy.  “For some reason a majority of voters mistakenly voted for the no-touchy-feely ban thinking that it was about striped gopher management and not stripper go-for-it management.  It’s a simple mistake really, and with this petition we’re taking steps to correct it.”

The group, Dancers for Democracy and Freedom (also referred to as Double-D-and-Free), has collected more than 200,000 signatures according to their spokeswoman, Randy Joynt, and has been averaging 5,000 a day since last night.

“Americans understand that dancing, going nude and grabbing body parts is a freedom worth fighting for,” said Joynt.  “It’s the kind of thing Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were grasping at when they drafted the Declaration of Indianapolis and started the fight against the Finnish.”

The law on strip clubs was sought by the group, Citizens Union for Less Touching (CULT), which successfully petitioned the Ohio General Assembly.  The groups president, Les Hanndling, said that the strippers where abusing current laws by grabbing people off the streets and hauling them into the clubs.  “It’s not that I mind having nude women caress me,” said Hanndling, “but when they started stopping cars at intersections and carrying folks into their clubs I got to thinking maybe they were going too far.”

Dancer Candy Lane said that she needs to handle patrons in order to encourage them to ‘cough up cash’.  “I’m going to community college and need tuition money,” said Candy.  “It’s a proven fact that when you rub and paw the patrons they get flustered and start dropping money on the floor.  If the new law is enacted it will hurt my plan to become an intern and spend time with Congressmen and Senators.”

Republican Senator R.U. Redy said he backed the dancers against the voting majority.  “It’s time we set Ohio law straight,” said the Senator.  “Democracy has its limits when it comes to freedom, naked dancers and Americans right to touch and be touched.”

In other news, Bill Clinton had a massage table installed next to his New York office so he can ‘get his kinks worked out’.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Disappointed in the U.S., China Ponders Nuclear Option

U.S. retaliates by offering help

Inebriated Press
August 8, 2007

Responding to U.S. complaints that the Chinese are exporting tainted food and sickening people around the world, China has begun a campaign of threats against the United States. China says it may liquidate its holdings of U.S. Treasury Bills and crush the U.S. economy or it may simply nuke the U.S. Treasury Department. Either way China says the U.S. probably won’t like it.

“We disapprove of U.S. complaints that our food should be rejected because it contains toxic chemicals,” said Tuf Beenz, China’s director of food additives and toxic waste disposal. “You are such whiners. Didn’t you hear your mothers say shut up and eat?”

Yesterday, Communist Party leaders warned that Beijing may use its $1.3 trillion of foreign reserves as a political weapon to counter pressure from the U.S. Congress to stop adding antifreeze and asbestos to food products it exports. Chinese state media have openly referred to their threats as a ‘nuclear option.’

“At this time we don’t approve of the options China has offered us,” said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. “So in retaliation we are threatening to help China solve its food safety problem and either destroy the U.S. Treasury ourselves or transfer ownership to the Chinese.”

Negotiations have been intense and are currently underway in the basement of a fallout shelter in Canada’s Yukon Territory where Eskimo’s say only Mexican food is allowed.

“We hope to resolve the problem of food poisoning and nuclear holocaust if possible,” said U.S. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice while gnawing a burrito. “That may mean we continue to accept poisonous food from China, but stop complaining about it. I suppose it’s a concession we could make.”

Professor Wil Kiluzyet an expert on Asian culture at New York University said the U.S. is completely misunderstanding the Chinese and have put both the global economy and civilized world at risk. “The Chinese have long standing cultural traditions that transcend present day food policy and political maneuvering,” said Kiluzyet. “The Chinese have been using poisonous additives in their own food for generations. For the U.S. to resist consuming this bad food or even to complain about it is a slap in the face of Chinese culture. It’s time the U.S. swallows hard and ingests China’s food and rhetoric. It’s the safest bet.”

Treasury officials expressed confidence that negotiations would resolve any concerns and said they’d comment further on the issue when they return from vacation in six or seven weeks.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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