Disappointed in the U.S., China Ponders Nuclear Option

U.S. retaliates by offering help

Inebriated Press
August 8, 2007

Responding to U.S. complaints that the Chinese are exporting tainted food and sickening people around the world, China has begun a campaign of threats against the United States. China says it may liquidate its holdings of U.S. Treasury Bills and crush the U.S. economy or it may simply nuke the U.S. Treasury Department. Either way China says the U.S. probably won’t like it.

“We disapprove of U.S. complaints that our food should be rejected because it contains toxic chemicals,” said Tuf Beenz, China’s director of food additives and toxic waste disposal. “You are such whiners. Didn’t you hear your mothers say shut up and eat?”

Yesterday, Communist Party leaders warned that Beijing may use its $1.3 trillion of foreign reserves as a political weapon to counter pressure from the U.S. Congress to stop adding antifreeze and asbestos to food products it exports. Chinese state media have openly referred to their threats as a ‘nuclear option.’

“At this time we don’t approve of the options China has offered us,” said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. “So in retaliation we are threatening to help China solve its food safety problem and either destroy the U.S. Treasury ourselves or transfer ownership to the Chinese.”

Negotiations have been intense and are currently underway in the basement of a fallout shelter in Canada’s Yukon Territory where Eskimo’s say only Mexican food is allowed.

“We hope to resolve the problem of food poisoning and nuclear holocaust if possible,” said U.S. National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice while gnawing a burrito. “That may mean we continue to accept poisonous food from China, but stop complaining about it. I suppose it’s a concession we could make.”

Professor Wil Kiluzyet an expert on Asian culture at New York University said the U.S. is completely misunderstanding the Chinese and have put both the global economy and civilized world at risk. “The Chinese have long standing cultural traditions that transcend present day food policy and political maneuvering,” said Kiluzyet. “The Chinese have been using poisonous additives in their own food for generations. For the U.S. to resist consuming this bad food or even to complain about it is a slap in the face of Chinese culture. It’s time the U.S. swallows hard and ingests China’s food and rhetoric. It’s the safest bet.”

Treasury officials expressed confidence that negotiations would resolve any concerns and said they’d comment further on the issue when they return from vacation in six or seven weeks.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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