Strippers Petition to Paw Patrons

Politicians back hands-on approach

Inebriated Press
August 8, 2007

The Cincinnati Enquirer reports that strip club dancers are out in mass seeking signatures on a petition to stop an Ohio law that prohibits dancers from touching patrons.  Without a change the law is slated to take effect on September 4th and both Republican and Democrat lawmakers are ‘all over it’.

“I am a strong supporter of the strippers’ rights to grab and feel whomever they want,” said Democrat Senator Filert “Feely” Hardy.  “For some reason a majority of voters mistakenly voted for the no-touchy-feely ban thinking that it was about striped gopher management and not stripper go-for-it management.  It’s a simple mistake really, and with this petition we’re taking steps to correct it.”

The group, Dancers for Democracy and Freedom (also referred to as Double-D-and-Free), has collected more than 200,000 signatures according to their spokeswoman, Randy Joynt, and has been averaging 5,000 a day since last night.

“Americans understand that dancing, going nude and grabbing body parts is a freedom worth fighting for,” said Joynt.  “It’s the kind of thing Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were grasping at when they drafted the Declaration of Indianapolis and started the fight against the Finnish.”

The law on strip clubs was sought by the group, Citizens Union for Less Touching (CULT), which successfully petitioned the Ohio General Assembly.  The groups president, Les Hanndling, said that the strippers where abusing current laws by grabbing people off the streets and hauling them into the clubs.  “It’s not that I mind having nude women caress me,” said Hanndling, “but when they started stopping cars at intersections and carrying folks into their clubs I got to thinking maybe they were going too far.”

Dancer Candy Lane said that she needs to handle patrons in order to encourage them to ‘cough up cash’.  “I’m going to community college and need tuition money,” said Candy.  “It’s a proven fact that when you rub and paw the patrons they get flustered and start dropping money on the floor.  If the new law is enacted it will hurt my plan to become an intern and spend time with Congressmen and Senators.”

Republican Senator R.U. Redy said he backed the dancers against the voting majority.  “It’s time we set Ohio law straight,” said the Senator.  “Democracy has its limits when it comes to freedom, naked dancers and Americans right to touch and be touched.”

In other news, Bill Clinton had a massage table installed next to his New York office so he can ‘get his kinks worked out’.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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