Daily Archives: August 9, 2007

Scientists Discover Fox’s Murdoch is ‘Missing Link’

Theory of Evolution turned inside out
Darwin spins in grave

Inebriated Press
August 9, 2007

A study published in this weeks Nature Journal reports that the real ‘missing link’ has been discovered and is causing the Theory of Evolution to be rewritten.  The Journal said that as negotiations for purchase of Dow Jones by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp wrapped up and implications that News Corp’s Homer Simpson would be taking the helm at Dow Jones’ Wall Street Journal, scientists on the trail of human evolution broke down the door.  “There he is,” yelled Anthropologist Fred Spoor pointing at Murdoch.  “The missing link!”

Reportedly Murdoch shouted ‘bull shit’ and Spoor retorted ‘not entirely’.  From there a melee broke out with members of the Bancroft family, majority owners of Dow Jones, trying to erase their names off of sales agreements while Murdoch lawyers tripped and tackled them and Anthropologists scribbled notes feverishly onto napkins and the backs of chairs.

“It was a damned dramatic discovery,” said R.U. Lucy an anthropologist not known for hyperbole.  “Being there when we tracked down the infamous ‘Murdoch skull’ and finding it only slightly deteriorated was beyond my wildest dreams.  If we can get it off his shoulders and into a cryo-freezer soon enough, I believe the damaged parts can be repaired and we can tie up a lot of confusing pieces of evolutionary history.”

But Media Magnate Murdoch isn’t playing along.  “I’m being treated like a genocidal tyrant because I want to keep my head,” said Murdoch, well known for keeping his head during tough negotiations.  “I just bought Dow Jones and I’m not giving up my skull no matter how deteriorated it’s getting, or how important an evolutionary find it is.”

According to the Theory of Evolution, there was a straight line in the development from prehistoric humans to modern humans.  The period spans two million years, beginning with homo hablis, which had a small brain and evolved, 1.5 to two million years ago, into homo erectus.  Anthropologists now say that because of the tiny size of Murdoch’s brain the leap from moron to half-assed-clever has occurred just recently.

“We’re dumb founded,” said Saiy Watt, director of the National Organization for Defending Old Undefendablely Bad Theories (NODOUBT).  “Could we have been wrong about evolution?  Nah.”

In other news Hillary Rodham Clinton reports that she is not related to Murdoch or anthropologists, and President George W. Bush says he has tick bites but feels fine because he ‘tends to ignore negative stuff’.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Dead Man Speeding

Fast funeral leads to crash

Inebriated Press
August 9, 2007

The hearse of Funeral Director and NASCAR wanna-be Rip Roarrer was clocked by police at 115 miles per hour (MPH) as it made its way to a cemetery in the Gerard Valley of Southland New Zealand.  Members of the funeral procession without Hemi engines struggled to keep up and many crashed when the cops finally stopped the high speed coffin hauler.  Several mourners were injured and others were pissed off but not sure at whom.

Eye witnesses suffering from bruises and dementia said the coffin launched out of the hearse ‘like it was shot from a cannon’ and landed in the cemetery with the body of Ima Rizin found standing next to a marble urn smoking a cigarette and eating M&M’s.  “We were making good time too,” he was reported to have said.

Police have started an investigation to determine exactly what happened when policewoman Sheri Kari blocked the hearses path and between 80 and 100 cars piled up behind it ‘like dominoes’.

“Our officer felt they were driving too fast,” said a police official who refused to give his name, height or fast food preference.  “It’s an officers right to get in the way of drivers if they think it’s necessary.”

Not everyone cared about the officers rights; they felt for the dead guy.  “Here we are taking Ima to the cemetery and hauling ass through the Valley like we knew he’d want and we are pulled over and there are accidents behind us. We had to tuck him back in the box and fix his tie before we could bury him,” said Ferrari Lamborghini.  “It’s a good thing he’s so good natured or he could have summoned some ghost and tore that Valley up.”

Funeral Director Roarrer said it was a simple mistake by the police.  “The oil in my hearse engine was set to expire in 20 minutes.  You don’t want to be driving with expired oil so I was kind of speeding things along so I could get to Jiffy Lube.  I already paid the police captain a speeding ticket in advance this month so they shouldn’t have tried to stop me.  I guess they forgot to tell the officer.”

The police spokesman said the officer giving chase had gestured at the hearse driver to stop and the driver had gestured back with an indication that they weren’t inclined too.  “I guess that kind of initiated other stuff,” he said.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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Filed under Humor, IP News