Theory of Evolution turned inside out
Darwin spins in grave
August 9, 2007
A study published in this weeks Nature Journal reports that the real ‘missing link’ has been discovered and is causing the Theory of Evolution to be rewritten. The Journal said that as negotiations for purchase of Dow Jones by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp wrapped up and implications that News Corp’s Homer Simpson would be taking the helm at Dow Jones’ Wall Street Journal, scientists on the trail of human evolution broke down the door. “There he is,” yelled Anthropologist Fred Spoor pointing at Murdoch. “The missing link!”
Reportedly Murdoch shouted ‘bull shit’ and Spoor retorted ‘not entirely’. From there a melee broke out with members of the Bancroft family, majority owners of Dow Jones, trying to erase their names off of sales agreements while Murdoch lawyers tripped and tackled them and Anthropologists scribbled notes feverishly onto napkins and the backs of chairs.
“It was a damned dramatic discovery,” said R.U. Lucy an anthropologist not known for hyperbole. “Being there when we tracked down the infamous ‘Murdoch skull’ and finding it only slightly deteriorated was beyond my wildest dreams. If we can get it off his shoulders and into a cryo-freezer soon enough, I believe the damaged parts can be repaired and we can tie up a lot of confusing pieces of evolutionary history.”
But Media Magnate Murdoch isn’t playing along. “I’m being treated like a genocidal tyrant because I want to keep my head,” said Murdoch, well known for keeping his head during tough negotiations. “I just bought Dow Jones and I’m not giving up my skull no matter how deteriorated it’s getting, or how important an evolutionary find it is.”
According to the Theory of Evolution, there was a straight line in the development from prehistoric humans to modern humans. The period spans two million years, beginning with homo hablis, which had a small brain and evolved, 1.5 to two million years ago, into homo erectus. Anthropologists now say that because of the tiny size of Murdoch’s brain the leap from moron to half-assed-clever has occurred just recently.
“We’re dumb founded,” said Saiy Watt, director of the National Organization for Defending Old Undefendablely Bad Theories (NODOUBT). “Could we have been wrong about evolution? Nah.”
In other news Hillary Rodham Clinton reports that she is not related to Murdoch or anthropologists, and President George W. Bush says he has tick bites but feels fine because he ‘tends to ignore negative stuff’.
© 2007 Inebriated Press