Dead Man Speeding

Fast funeral leads to crash

Inebriated Press
August 9, 2007

The hearse of Funeral Director and NASCAR wanna-be Rip Roarrer was clocked by police at 115 miles per hour (MPH) as it made its way to a cemetery in the Gerard Valley of Southland New Zealand.  Members of the funeral procession without Hemi engines struggled to keep up and many crashed when the cops finally stopped the high speed coffin hauler.  Several mourners were injured and others were pissed off but not sure at whom.

Eye witnesses suffering from bruises and dementia said the coffin launched out of the hearse ‘like it was shot from a cannon’ and landed in the cemetery with the body of Ima Rizin found standing next to a marble urn smoking a cigarette and eating M&M’s.  “We were making good time too,” he was reported to have said.

Police have started an investigation to determine exactly what happened when policewoman Sheri Kari blocked the hearses path and between 80 and 100 cars piled up behind it ‘like dominoes’.

“Our officer felt they were driving too fast,” said a police official who refused to give his name, height or fast food preference.  “It’s an officers right to get in the way of drivers if they think it’s necessary.”

Not everyone cared about the officers rights; they felt for the dead guy.  “Here we are taking Ima to the cemetery and hauling ass through the Valley like we knew he’d want and we are pulled over and there are accidents behind us. We had to tuck him back in the box and fix his tie before we could bury him,” said Ferrari Lamborghini.  “It’s a good thing he’s so good natured or he could have summoned some ghost and tore that Valley up.”

Funeral Director Roarrer said it was a simple mistake by the police.  “The oil in my hearse engine was set to expire in 20 minutes.  You don’t want to be driving with expired oil so I was kind of speeding things along so I could get to Jiffy Lube.  I already paid the police captain a speeding ticket in advance this month so they shouldn’t have tried to stop me.  I guess they forgot to tell the officer.”

The police spokesman said the officer giving chase had gestured at the hearse driver to stop and the driver had gestured back with an indication that they weren’t inclined too.  “I guess that kind of initiated other stuff,” he said.

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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