Church sues government for damages
August 10, 2007
Canadian church leaders who believe it’s their religious right to smoke marijuana have launched a lawsuit against federal officials. “We don’t have to be completely stoned to believe what we do,” said the mostly Reverend Eddie ‘Blow-Joy’ Condiment, head of the International Church of Universal Two (iCU2). “But it helps, and we don’t want the government interfering.”
The lawsuit alleges that the federal government is breaching the Charter of Rights and Freedoms because they’ve stopped iCU2 members from using marijuana. The suit seeks $9,000 in damages because without the influence of weed fully conscious worshipers ‘tore up a chapel’ after they were able to actually understand a religious pamphlet produced by the church.
“We advocate belief in a higher power and the number two (2) and other than steady donations and the religious purchase of our marijuana, we don’t ask anything more of our members,” said Condiment. “We especially don’t advocate anyone read what I write unless the reader is faithfully wacked up on MJ. It’s the only way to truly grasp the totality of our faith.”
Critics say iCU2 is a cult designed only to trade in marijuana. They say that the pamphlet that started the riot advocated worship of the number 2 and declared that the highest power in the universe is a dwarf living in British Columbia named Bob.
“The Canadian government is pretty easy going,” said Alice Amiable, Member of Parliament representing British Columbia. “But a religion requiring use of weed so members can believe in Bob is a bit much. I kind of like Betty myself.”
The Canadian government doesn’t support any specific religion and has been willing to let citizens believe what they want as long as they keep paying their taxes and supporting ice hockey
© 2007 InebriatedPress.com
UNICEF plans trip to help the starving in space
August 10, 2007
Astronauts onboard the shuttle Endeavour awoke in space orbit hungry and eager for breakfast today, but in a startling discovery found that no eating utensils were on board. The depressed crew attempted work but are weak and lethargic. NASA fears that they may starve unless a way to enable the astronauts to ingest food ‘by hand’ is developed. President George W. Bush said he thought he’d wait and see what happens. “We have to give the current course of action time to develop,” he said. “Things might still work out.” Canadians are less optimistic.
Learning of the looming disaster Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper broke from a meeting on the Russian Arctic takeover crisis to issue a statement calling for an emergency session of UNICEF and encouraging a space launch to save the astronauts. Officials of UNICEF have agreed and have contacted Virgin Atlantic for air support.
“We can’t let these NASA space refugees be lost,” said UNICEF Executive Ann Veneman. “Never mind that UNICEF is a children’s fund. I’m former U.S. Secretary of Agriculture and I’ll be damned if these astronauts starve to death on my watch.”
Experts and presidential candidates say this is one more blow to an already weak NASA program that has trouble managing its budget, keeping astronauts sober and now can’t even feed them. “We can’t keep supporting an organization that is this badly run,” said Senator Barack Obama, U.S. presidential candidate and author of a self promotion book. “I’m backing the President of Canada’s support of UNICEF’s planned Virgin Atlantic venture. Once this effort saves the Endeavour astronauts, the Russians will back away from control of the Arctic and I’ll win the Democrat nomination for president. There’s no time to lose.”
The Federal Aviation Administration expressed confusion over the plan but Virgin Galactic the space division of Virgin Group, said they’ll have a vehicle ready for launch within days. “We’ll be there and save those poor bastards,” said Sir Richard Branson. “We’re stepping up development of SpaceShipTwo VSS Enterprise and will load it with a cargo of forks and spoons and launch this weekend.”
At a hastily arranged press conference at Ruby’s Bar and Grill NASA Administrator Mike Griffin said that flight engineers were working to solve the problem and hoped to find a way to create eating utensils from items already aboard the shuttle. “We have air filter canisters and duct tape for emergency use on the shuttle and we think we can find a way to convert them into a form of primitive spoon,” said Griffin. “We appreciate everyone’s concern but believe we can have something worked out in time for dinner tonight.”
© 2007 Inebriated Press