Astronauts Can’t Find Spoons and Forks, Risk Death

UNICEF plans trip to help the starving in space

Inebriated Press
August 10, 2007

Astronauts onboard the shuttle Endeavour awoke in space orbit hungry and eager for breakfast today, but in a startling discovery found that no eating utensils were on board.  The depressed crew attempted work but are weak and lethargic.  NASA fears that they may starve unless a way to enable the astronauts to ingest food ‘by hand’ is developed.  President George W. Bush said he thought he’d wait and see what happens.  “We have to give the current course of action time to develop,” he said.  “Things might still work out.”  Canadians are less optimistic.

Learning of the looming disaster Canadian Prime Minister Steven Harper broke from a meeting on the Russian Arctic takeover crisis to issue a statement calling for an emergency session of UNICEF and encouraging a space launch to save the astronauts.  Officials of UNICEF have agreed and have contacted Virgin Atlantic for air support.

“We can’t let these NASA space refugees be lost,” said UNICEF Executive Ann Veneman.  “Never mind that UNICEF is a children’s fund.  I’m former U.S. Secretary of Agriculture and I’ll be damned if these astronauts starve to death on my watch.”

Experts and presidential candidates say this is one more blow to an already weak NASA program that has trouble managing its budget, keeping astronauts sober and now can’t even feed them.  “We can’t keep supporting an organization that is this badly run,” said Senator Barack Obama, U.S. presidential candidate and author of a self promotion book.  “I’m backing the President of Canada’s support of UNICEF’s planned Virgin Atlantic venture.  Once this effort saves the Endeavour astronauts, the Russians will back away from control of the Arctic and I’ll win the Democrat nomination for president.  There’s no time to lose.”

The Federal Aviation Administration expressed confusion over the plan but Virgin Galactic the space division of Virgin Group, said they’ll have a vehicle ready for launch within days.  “We’ll be there and save those poor bastards,” said Sir Richard Branson.  “We’re stepping up development of SpaceShipTwo VSS Enterprise and will load it with a cargo of forks and spoons and launch this weekend.”

At a hastily arranged press conference at Ruby’s Bar and Grill NASA Administrator Mike Griffin said that flight engineers were working to solve the problem and hoped to find a way to create eating utensils from items already aboard the shuttle.  “We have air filter canisters and duct tape for emergency use on the shuttle and we think we can find a way to convert them into a form of primitive spoon,” said Griffin.  “We appreciate everyone’s concern but believe we can have something worked out in time for dinner tonight.”

© 2007 Inebriated Press

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