Suspect in Slice & Dice Murder Freed

Man goes to pieces; his own fault say police

Inebriated Press
August 13, 2007

Police in Malaysia have freed Alexi Bail, a woman suspected of chopping up her husband and storing him in a refrigerator.  Prosecutors say that despite the fact that her husband was in fact chopped to bits and stuffed in multiple packages in the women’s appliance, there was no evidence indicating that he was murdered.  They fined her for ‘odor violation’ and let it at that.  O.J. Simpson says it makes sense to him.

The remains of 39-year-old businessman Noo Bail were discovered in black bags in a posh apartment refrigerator by cleaning woman, Mable Bright.  “I was going to make a sandwich from stuff in the fridge but there were argyle socks between the meat,” said Bright.  “That got me thinking something wasn’t right about it and I called Tyson Foods.  They said I should call authorities ’cause at Tyson they strain out body parts.”

“We looked into the situation and there was no evidence of a crime,” said Yusof Dethrow, police chief and Alexi Bail’s reputed secret lover.  “If anyone had complained or if Alexi would have showed us the saws used to cut him up, then that would be different.  As far as we can tell he might have done this himself.  I read once that some people are suicidal and that it can manifest itself in many ways.”

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

K-Fed Hires Israeli Commando in Custody Battle

Plans assault on Britney for both kids

Inebriated Press
August 13, 2007

Keven Federline’s lawyer has drafted an ex-Israeli commando to help in the custody battle for his two sons with Britney Spears.  Reportedly K-Fed wants full custody of the boys and is prepared to use any tactic necessary to get them.  Spears says the boys should stay with her because she’s not as drunk as she used to be and that makes her a good mom.

Life Style & Ammo magazine reports that K-Fed isn’t interested in the two children he had with former girlfriend Shar Jackson prior to his marriage to Britney, but feels that he’s the more responsible parent to the K-Fed/Britney children and that he can better exploit their commercial value.  “Britney has no clue what’s going on anymore,” said K-Fed during an interview at the Playboy mansion on Monday.  “She’s not leveraging the kids as financial assets the way I can.  That makes me the better parent.”

Israeli Commando Aaron “King Kong” Cohen says he’s happy to help.  Cohen recently arrived in the U.S. after a consulting job with the Chinese government.  Cohen was assisting them with the public relations challenges surrounding lead paint on toys manufactured and exported.  The owner of the toy company suddenly took his own life and this freed up Cohen to take the K-Fed job.

“I’ve been hired for my tact and public relations ability,” said Cohen.  “I’ve been able to convince people to do things that they tend to resist, even when it’s in their best interest.  I think I can help with this custody problem.”

Cohen served a subpoena on Britney’s assistant and cousin while the three partied together at a Hollywood Hills bash at 2:30 a.m.  Britney reacted angrily to Cohen over the subpoena.  “Can’t you guys deliver your legal stuff when we’re at home during regular hours,” shouted Spears accidentally dropping two bottles of Jack Daniels.  “We’re busy discussing parenting concepts now.  I’ll be home with the kids later.”

Experts say Cohen is on ‘the leading edge of Israeli style security services and anti-terrorist training’ and this makes him the perfect choice for custody battles and Chinese toy manufacturer negotiations.

“I just want the best for everyone,” said Federline nuzzling the hip of Los Angeles hip-hop radio personality Liz Hernandez, his current squeeze.  “Value is important to a parent in a relationship.”

In other news Parent Magazine is considering a legal battle for control of the word ‘parent’ and hopes to restrict it’s application to ‘sane people’.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com