Daily Archives: August 14, 2007

Bulletproof Backpack a ‘Must Have’ for School

Just packing heat isn’t enough

Inebriated Press
August 14, 2007

The “Kick Ass Pack-Ensemble Module” a.k.a. KAP-EM is a bulletproof backpack for kids and its available just in time for the back-to-school shopper.  The pack looks like a regular kids backpack but can withstand a wide range of bullets including nine-millimeter hollow points.  It also includes a built in quick-access holster for your child’s nine-millimeter plus extra side pockets for multiple clips to ensure that your boy or girl won’t run low on ammo in the heat of a fire fight.

Joe “Mighty” Currant, the founder of KAP-EM said that most school shootings involve handgun caliber bullets fired from one to three meters away and his pack easily stops them.  He said that all a kid has to do is hold the bag by the handle and use it as a shield.  Quick release Velcro flaps will then allow a child to pull their own weapon and return fire.

“I’ve seen enough of the horrible after affects of these school shootings and decided to make a difference,” Said Currant.  “One of the problems consistent in every shooting has been the inability of the innocent kids to defend themselves.  By creating KAP-EM I help level the killing field that exists between the crazed shooter and some kid who just wants to get through History alive.”

Executives at the National Rifle Association (NRA) praised the move.  “It’s high time we start arming all the kids in schools,” said NRA’s CEO Pat Emdown.  “In the playgrounds of school just like the playground of life, if we don’t allow ordinary children and citizens to carry loaded guns, then only criminals and “D” students will have them.”

Not everyone is happy about the new product.  “If kids start protecting themselves and shooting back it’s going to negatively impact the fragile psyche of children with plans to attack others and then kill themselves,” said Andy Romeo, Executive Director of the American Civil Liberties Union.  “And that’s an infringement on these children’s rights.  Psycho’s are people too.”

In other news, Al Qaeda says they are planning attacks on New York, Los Angeles and Miami.  They say that with Allah’s help all Americans will lay down their weapons and accept economic meltdown, many deaths and financial crisis which will lead to a new age of better living through the control of kind hearted Islamofascists.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Porn Website Battles Microsoft

Free skin bites the hand that sells

Inebriated Press
August 14, 2007

The nude photo firm Perfect 10 (P10) is suing Microsoft for including links and thumbnail pictures from the company’s site in MSN search results.  P10 says Microsoft is making more money than they are by providing MSN users free skin pictures that its search engine essentially swipes from P10’s website.  Bill Gate’s says Microsoft has used Apple’s designs and icons for years and sees the use of P10’s porn as being no different.  Steve Jobs of Apple Corp may join the suit on behalf of P10.

The case, filed in the US District Court in California, could prove to be a landmark one.  P10 has already lost a similar case against Amazon.com but hopes this one will pay off.  “MSN is causing us to lose $4 million a month,” said Norm “Zig” Zag, chief nudity expert at P10.  “We can barely keep our models clothed at all with these terrible financial losses.” 

Steve Jobs is angry with Microsoft too.  “We must do all we can to save these poor naked women from exploitation by Microsoft,” said Jobs from a sushi bar for nude web developers in Silicon Valley.  “That damn Gates is up to no good again.”

In previous rulings a Judge said that search engines were liable for displaying thumbnails, but those rulings were subsequently overturned by appeals courts because the thumbnails “were too small to see well”. 

“I got no inspiration from the thumbnails displayed by MSN,” said a judge wishing to be identified only by the name Pinky.  “It wasn’t until I saw full sized images from the P10 website that I started considering various pharmacidical and latex based products.”

Bill Gates says the suit is frivolous and that he can crush P10 like a gnat if he wants too.  “I could crush P10 like a gnat if I want to,” said Gates at a philanthropic function to aid New Yorkers with poor taste in hats.  “Our search engines show stuff that’s on the web and folks can decide if they want to go to the original source.  People like Microsoft products but can go to Apple if they want their icons.  I don’t care.  I admit that I’m very sensitive when I’m nude, but that doesn’t carry over to this situation.”

In other news, Entertainment Weekly reports that Mick Jagger still can’t get no satisfaction.

© 2007 InebriatedPresscom

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Filed under Humor, IP News