Daily Archives: August 15, 2007

Bill Gates Buys McDonald’s

New PC-Mac Happy Meals and Operating System Ahead

Inebriated Press
August 15, 2007

Bill Gates’ foundation announced today that it has purchased a major stake in McDonald’s Corporation and plans to use the new Microsoft / McDonalds deal to introduce a new PC-Mac operating system with the goal of cutting into the Apple Mac turf.  Additional plans include a minor change like a new Happy Meal containing used PC parts for kids to play with.  The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) says the deal is fine, but Parents Magazine expressed concern over the risk of children choking on the broken computer parts.  Gates is excited about the deal and said that most people are able to swallow Microsoft products “after a while” and very few have choked and died.  Steve Jobs is forming his own plan to counter the Gates venture.

Financial experts say the deal is a good one.  “A McD/MS platform of food and programming is a powerful combination,” said analyst Bugsy Stalone.  “The new PC-Mac operating system is going to have repercussions on Apple because it will allow Bill Gates the use of the brand name “Mac”.  I’ve already got people making book – I mean careful investments – on who wins in this deal.”

Steve Jobs, the Apple chief and long time Microsoft antagonist said he will fight the PC-Mac plan with his own tactical maneuver.  “I’ve formed ventures with the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) and the University of Berkley.  These are two staunch promoters of political correctness and share ownership of the term “p.c.” as an identifying trademark.  Within the next two weeks Apple will announce its own Mac-P.C. platform to combat the Gates-McDonald’s scheme.”

In other news Wendy’s is considering a venture with Cray Supercomputers and hopes to release a new ice cream Frosty designed to boost consumers I.Q. by over 50 points when eating one a week.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Police Officers Angry With Law Against Them Quiting

New law says officers can’t resign

Inebriated Press
August 15, 2007

In a move designed to beef up a police force that has recently been hit by mass desertions and resignations, the Zimbabwe government has made it illegal for officers to resign.  Morale has shot up on this showing of confidence.

Police officers have been deserting the force in droves due to low wages and bad working conditions.  “This job is a crime,” said an unnamed police officer wearing a paper bag as a hat.  “They don’t pay us a fair wage and we have to do our own laundry.  Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of clothing?”

Police spokesman, Waynin Numbrz denied that there were problems and said the talk of mass desertions was overblown.  “We still have the same number of officers today as yesterday,” said Numbrz.  “By law that figure can’t go down so it hasn’t.  If I can ever find any of the officers that are assigned to this building I’m going to remind them of that.”

Zimbabwe President Bob Mugless said that things were going to be improving because the government was printing more money for the officers to spend.  “We just got in a shipment of paper and ink,” said the President.  “Soon our cops will be rolling in dough and won’t want to resign.  We’ve also ordered some Tide detergent and blood remover and that should be a morale booster too.”

U.S. police officers feel sorry for the Zimbabwe but have no plans to relocate.  “Dealing with Britney and Paris is a pain, but at least we have a service that washes the puke out of our uniforms,” said Hollywood police officer John Doe.

In other news, the Zimbabwe police officers union says that it’s okay to occasionally beat an unarmed citizen if it improves morale.  And Paris Hilton plans to attend a party.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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