Daily Archives: August 16, 2007

Homeowners Clipped in Credit Market

Money turns against Money, Borrowers Incur Damage

Inebriated Press
August 16, 2007

Greedy bankers have screwed innocent homebuyers and its time for restitution.  At least that’s what homebuyer Robb Freely says.  Bankers say they were just trying to help.  Government regulators think something is happening in the credit market and plan a thorough analysis of credit rules, capital markets and Britney Spears nanny later this month.

Financial periodical The Street reports that many exotic mortgages taken out by homebuyers in recent years have backfired.  The Street said that part of the problem was overaggressive marketing of complex niche financial products intended for sophisticated and savvy customers.  During the recent housing boom banks offered elaborate loans to huge numbers of morons who discovered that when interest rates rise and the value of their house declines the monthly payment on a variable rate mortgage tends to not only vary, but to go up.  This has them noticeably agitated.

“The monthly payment on my $500,000 house jumped from $100.00 a month to almost $125.00,” said Robb Freely a homebuyer who is struggling to make payments on four homes he bought so he could make a ‘killing’ on them.  “This is not fair.  I was speculating that the housing market would stay strong and it’s not.  These bankers are cheating me.”

Not everyone agrees with Freely.  “I just wanted to help him leverage his $50 savings bond and excess monthly cash flow while I reached my monthly bonus,” said C. M. Cummin local banker and part-time WWF fan.  “I don’t cheat people.  If I didn’t think he’d studied the five inch stack of forms and papers I had him sign to take out the loan, I might not have let him do it, maybe.  Probably.  Possibly.”

Last week Countrywide Financial, one of the nation’s largest lenders, was still offering loans that are at the center of the current meltdown.  That’s despite the companies beating in the stock market and anticipation that most of the loans they are still making look doomed.  One of Countrywide’s products is an exotic Adjustable-Rate Mortgage (ARM) that allows a borrower to make less than their monthly payment and have the shortfall added to the loan’s principle.  This basically means the borrower is borrowing to pay an amount that they’ve already borrowed.  If the interest they owe isn’t covered by the payment, then they borrow money to pay interest on the interest that they are supposed to pay on the loan.  Can Countrywide ever get paid back or a borrower ever pay off the loan?  Countrywide isn’t worried.

“We know that these loans benefit people and our executive’s portfolios and that we can foreclose on borrowers anytime we want,” said Smokey Fogg, spokesperson and bookie at Countrywide.  “And if things get bad enough the Federal Government will bail us out because our collapse would be bad for the country.  Nice folks like Robb Freely could be hurt and so could our CEO.”

Not everyone is like Countrywide’s CEO, or like Robb Freely or even absent federal regulators.  Some are individuals like Vera Litle.  “I bought a $50,000 house in the bad part of town with a small down payment and a lien on my Glock 17,” said Litle.  “The banker said that on my fixed income I could still make payments of $500 a month and buy food on the side.  Now that he wants $750 a month and I’ve eaten my cat and have no pets left, I’ll have to do something else.  I’m sure glad I didn’t borrow more to buy stock in Countrywide like my banker suggested.  He said I could make a killing and if I’d bought some stock and still had my Glock, he’d have been right because he’d have been it.”

In other news, sleepy weasels quietly invade Poland and Britney’s nanny signs with Playboy.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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Ignoring Government, Americans Make the Best Of It

Despite Congress and the President, Citizens are Happy

Inebriated Press
August 16, 2007

A new Harris Poll found that 94% of Americans are either very or somewhat satisfied with their lives.  Meanwhile President George W. Bush’s approval rating is at 35% and the U.S. Congress is even lower, at 25%.  The Twins beat the Mariners 6 to 2 in Seattle and David Beckham scored his first goal since landing at Plymouth Rock.  Nancy Pelosi blames Bush for the 6% of Americans who are unhappy and the Mariners are pissed that they gave up a grand slam home run to Torii Hunter in the ninth.

“George Bush still doesn’t get it,” said Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House and winner of the Whiner of The Year Award.  “If it wasn’t for his stupid policy in Iraq and his lack of willingness to support initiatives against global warming no Americans would be unhappy.  We need a Democrat in the White House soon.”

President Bush said that since only 6% of Americans are unhappy, it shows that things are fine in spite of the crazy stuff that Democrats have been trying to pass in Congress.  “I feel pretty good about how things are going,” said the President sipping tap water from an Aquafina bottle.  “NASA says despite the damage to the space shuttle it’s not going to blow up, the American people like Congress less than me, and my dog Sparky is using the New York Times in a way that’s fitting.  Things are okay.”

House majority leader Harry Reid says the Presidents comments show that he has no feelings for the common man.  “When the President chooses to ignore the plight of a minority group like the 6% of Americans who are unhappy, it shows me that he’s a man who just doesn’t care,” said Reid.  “If he were to speak out against home runs by Twin’s batters he’d at least be showing sensitivity to the Mariner fans who must be feeling pretty bad right now.  I’m sure that many folks in Seattle are among that 6% of unhappy Americans and it’s no consolation that there are a handful of Minnesotans who feel good about this.  I’m just beside myself with emotion.”

Speaking for the common man at a dinner party last night Rupert Murdoch said that he thinks everything is great and that the 94% share of happy Americans indicates general satisfaction in Fox News and his TV show The Simpson’s.  “I’m doing my part to ensure the happiness of Americans,” said Murdoch while smoking a stogie rolled in a Wall Street Journal wrapper.  “I don’t give a rat’s ass about David Beckham and neither does anyone else.”

In other news, Americans continue to insist they’re generally happy despite Congress, the President and Rupert Murdoch.

© 2007 InebriatedPress.com

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